Nick and I were talking this morning about my driving. Or rather my lack of driving. Yes, I’ve never had a driver’s license. Being in a moving car terrifies me, and has for most of my adult life. I never felt like that when I was younger. If my parents had had a car when I was 16, I’m sure I would have had no problem getting in the drivers seat like any other normal person. All of that changed when I was in a car accident.
I was 19 or 20 years old, and was in the Navy. It was a beautiful Saturday morning, and I had just left the ship with my boyfriend at the time. I was still recovering from having Strep and wasn’t feeling well. We were headed back to Orlando where he was stationed for the weekend, and got on I-95 like normal. I had just put my seatbelt back on after taking it off for some reason. He was driving 80mph and I was in the passenger seat. A friend of ours was spread out on the backseat with no seatbelt on.
Someone cut us off on the right side, and my boyfriend swerved to the left so we wouldn’t get hit. There wasn’t a lane to move to, only orange barrels lining the side of the road. When he swerved back to the right to get back in the lane, my boyfriend lost control of the car and started moving quickly in a diagonal pattern to the right. We crossed three lanes of traffic, and hit a directional pole for traffic coming on to the highway. The car continued to roll forward and we crossed two more lanes of traffic before hitting three trees and doing a 360. When the car stopped, there was glass everywhere, and my friend who was in the backseat was to my right. The car was totaled but not one of us walked away with so much as a scratch.
For the first year after the accident, I screamed anytime another car got close to me while in someones car. I hate merge lanes, and always fearful that someone is going to come into our lane. I’m not comfortable driving. I get behind the wheel of a car, and have to ask myself which one is the brake and which one is the gas. Although I’ve had many driving lessons, I have never gotten to the point where I am confident that I won’t hurt myself or someone else because of my fears.
Nick told me this morning that he can’t understand how I have driven before and yet still resist driving. He doesn’t understand my fears, and frankly no one seems to. I know that it’s something I need to work on, but how do you move past your fear to accomplish something you think is going to kill you? I walked away from him to wait for my bus to work, feeling down and unsure of myself.
After getting on the bus, I started checking my Facebook feed and found a video with a description that said, “if you don’t believe in God, watch this.” I clicked the video and was confused at first. It was in a different language, and it starts off with a car falling from the sky near some people. The next scene shows a car running into a building. I thought it was a trailer for a movie but as I kept watching scene after scene, I noticed a pattern. They were all clips of cars spinning out of control toward people, and the people WERE SAVED. The cars missed the people every time. The video played on and I watched in horror as it kept happening over and over again.
I played the video several times, and when I am done writing this post I’m going to play it again. Without the tagline about God, I don’t know that I would be looking at this video several times. It’s disturbing footage and stirs fear in my heart. But as I kept playing it over and over again, something started happening to me. I started seeing the miracles more and more. I started seeing the point of the video, and how God saved all of those people. Every single one in the most terrifying moments captured on video. This was real footage taken from dashboard cams, and they all survived.
After probably the third time watching the video, it occurred to me that I too was saved. We crossed five lanes of traffic and no other car hit my boyfriend’s car. We flew into trees with such force, and totaled the car. I walked away without a scratch on me. I know all of these details but why have I never looked at the depth of God’s love before? Maybe it’s because I’m a new Christian and this happened so long ago when I didn’t have a relationship with Jesus. I don’t know but it occurs to me now that I’ve spent my life in fearing that I die in a car accident. BUT I DIDN’T DIE. I’m still here. God still has a purpose for me, and if it happens again, it will still be up to God whether I survive or not. I have no control over it at all.
I try so hard to give my fears to God but I am still learning how to let go in all cases. This is definitely one of those times but I’m realizing today that I can get in the car and let God do the driving. He drove cars out of the path of people in that video. He can drive my fear out of me. He can keep me safe.
This is not to say that I will get my driver’s license tomorrow; it is still a process but finding that video when I was feeling down is a sign from God hope is not lost.
HE SAVES. HE SAVED ME ONCE. AND HE CAN SAVE ME AGAIN.
Thank you Lord for never failing me, for saving me every day from myself.