A Letter to My Stepsons

broken hearted man

I feel like I have failed you. I wish I could take away your pain and bring peace to your heart. I wish I could have protected you from everything that has happened. I don’t have the right words to say because really there is nothing I can say that will improve the situation. My very presence in your life is evidence of what is and what will always be wrong in your life.

I am not your mother. 

You spend more time with me than you do with your mother.

I want you to know that I will never take her place, and I will never try. Your mother loves you very much and I want you to spend as much time with her as possible. I want joy in your heart when you see her and I want you to miss her when she’s not there. Still, it breaks my heart when you miss her so much that your tears are uncontrollable. It kills me when I can’t just hand you over to her whenever you want to spend time with her. It troubles me when you are so consumed by anger and confusion that you lash out to those that love you, myself included.

I know that I will never be enough.

I know that I will never be the person that you run to when you’re scared or hurt and upset. You will always want your mom. I will live my life swallowing my love for you because there will always be someone else that you will love more, someone else that your heart aches for. I will consistently be rejected and hurt but I will endure because I know that you need her. I will endure because I know that she can give you everything that you will ever need.

I commit to loving you anyway.

No matter how many times you reject me, no matter how many times you say I’m not family or how much you hate me, I will always be there waiting in the wings with my heart wide open. When I married your father, I had already made this commitment and I opened my heart to your pain, to your suffering. I can’t save you but I pray that my consistent love and care will allow you to find rest in your darkest moments.

I pray that you will receive my comfort and love, however imperfect… 


For more information about Kristeen Nicole Gillooly, her music, and her ministry, please visit http://www.kngmusicministry.com. You can also visit her artist website at http://www.kristeennicolegillooly.com. 

The Island of Compassion

Sometimes, I feel like I’m on an island and sometimes others can make me feel like I’m on one. Being an emotional person shouldn’t automatically put a person by themselves but oftentimes it does. I never thought that being compassionate would land me there too.

While I love my mother dearly, I rarely felt compassion from her. Same with my Dad and siblings. I’ve never dated someone that had the gift (including my husband). Is the world too consumed by other things? For my husband, he’s just more analytical. I don’t know what to make of others because while I understand we all have special gifts, sometimes mine feels more like a curse.

Being human, we have certain expectations. Yes, I know we shouldn’t but it’s natural. We want people to treat us the same say we treat them. So if I’m compassionate toward others, I expect that others will be compassionate toward me but more often than not, that just doesn’t happen in my circle. Am I alone?

Crying? You’re told to stop crying. Scared? You’re told to stop being scared. No matter how you’re feeling, you feel like you can’t get a break. You feel like no one understands you, and no one wants to. You feel like you have no support and you are always left alone to deal with this big, ugly and scary world. So what can you do?

Turn to Jesus. He was very compassionate and people didn’t understand Him either. He spent His days reaching out to those less fortunate, those that needed help. He was never hesitant to reach out the hand of compassion to help another. It’s the ultimate form of being a servant to God because it is the outward appearance of a selfless act of love.

We can also teach others how to be compassionate through our service. Just like Jesus received nothing in return from those He served, we have to remember that it can be a thankless job here on earth. Still, God sees your heart, He sees your struggles. He calls on us to use our gifts and those with the gift of compassion can’t seem to help using theirs. It can feel like a lonely island but we are never truly alone when we have Jesus in our life. Focus on Him in your time of need because man will fail you. Your spouse will fail you, your parents will fail you, your friends… everyone except Jesus.

Is Your Faith Upside Down?

Some things in life are easy to let go of compared to others. Sometimes, it seems too easy to put something in God’s hands. The problem is you never really know by looking at a problem how easy it will be to give up. Looking back at my mom’s passing, I would have thought that it would have been impossible to turn over. I surprised myself with the ease I put it in His hands. Similar thing with my job search and the fact that I am unemployed. From the time that I knew my job was at risk, through the process of finding out I was being laid off, and up until now while I’m stilling seeking employment, my faith has been surprisingly steadfast.

Then why is it that the smallest things sometimes take the greatest faith? 

It’s strange how the littlest things can seem insurmountable. Have you ever felt like your faith is upside down? Remember after the housing market crashed and so many people suddenly were upside down on their cars and homes? Maybe it would look something like this…

picturequote10092014-2

In every moment, in every challenge, no matter how small or how big, we have to remember to give everything to God. But it can be so hard, can’t it? How do we let go of our feelings and dreams in the moment of our biggest (and sometimes our smallest) meltdowns? The hardest thing sometimes is just remembering the most obvious…

In your darkest moments, God is holding your hand. 

When you are determined to handle things yourself, God wants to do it for you. 

We are only human, and He knows this. He doesn’t fault us for forgetting but He feels privileged like a willing father to come to our aid at our most desperate times, when we are most vulnerable. Only His love and patience can truly save us from ourselves. When I first got saved, I even wrote a song about it. He was the ONLY ONE that could save me from myself, and still is. I’ll go ahead and share the acapella version of the song (Only You) with you so you can listen. When I am at my lowest, I sometimes find myself singing it to myself as a reminder. It’s amazing how God gives me a beautiful gift to encourage others but in doing so, also knows how much I need it sometimes myself.

 


For more information about Kristeen Nicole Gillooly, her music, and her ministry, please visit http://www.kngmusicministry.com. You can also visit her artist website at http://www.kristeennicolegillooly.com. 

Beyond the Breaking Point

You may or may not be aware of it but KNG Music puts out a weekly radio show on Sunday mornings called “Faith Matters” with my husband Nicholas E. Gonzalez as the host. The last topic was on suicide and his own testimony related to the subject is something everyone should hear. It is powerful and moving, and I hope you will check it out and share it with your friends to listen as well.

If you are interested in hearing more sermons from KNG Music, including a sermon on loving atheists by yours truly,  then check out the ministry tab on our website www.kngmusicministry.com.

 

 


For more information about Kristeen Nicole Gillooly, her music, and her ministry, please visit http://www.kngmusicministry.com. You can also visit her artist website at http://www.kristeennicolegillooly.com. 

Waiting on the Lord

There are several things in life that are serious enough to make you anxious for answers. These could be waiting for test results when cancer is suspected, waiting for that job offer, etc. Then there are little things that stress us out because we just need to know. I definitely have my struggles as we all do about being patient enough for the Lord to step in and tell us the big news in His perfect timing. Sometimes, we just want to take matters into our own hands, thinking that we can speed things up a bit or open a door on our own. The problem is that you can’t open a door that God doesn’t want opened.

Looking at the closed door, you don’t know if it is a matter of timing 
or if it will ever be opened according to God’s will. 

So what do you do? You can sit there and stare at the door, praying that it will open. Or you can look at the door one last time, and walk away leaving it in God’s hands. Everyone knows that watching a pot and waiting for it to boil will never result in it boiling faster. If anything, doesn’t it seem like the opposite happens? Sometimes, it seems like it takes even longer for things to turn out the way we want. It reminds me of the Navy way of life, “hurry up and wait.” Either way, you realize that sometimes it is just too painful and torturous to sit and watch a closed door. We give up and walk away. Sometimes, we even stop praying for that one desired outcome.

We don’t have to walk away defeated. 
We don’t have to walk away feeling like it’s over. 

Waiting on the Lord is not easy, and having faith may not seem easy either, but walking away feeling defeated could mean that we were putting too much emphasis on what we wanted instead of what God wants for us. Yes, we have a right to be disappointed, but at the same time we have to remember to surrender to what He wants for our lives. We have to trust that His plan is perfect, that He knows what will give us the greatest joy. Maybe the door will open some day, maybe it won’t, but we are to praise Him regardless. We are to have faith regardless because God knows what is best for us, even when we don’t.

Sometimes a closed door can be a beautiful gift in disguise. 
Sometimes a closed door signifies another door opening. 

 


For more information about Kristeen Nicole Gillooly, her music, and her ministry, please visit http://www.kngmusicministry.com. You can also visit her artist website at http://www.kristeennicolegillooly.com. 

A Love Affair

We all should have a love affair with God, and should spend our days thinking of Him. It can’t just be some nice thought or something we feel like we ought to do. When you’re in love, you can’t help but gush about the Man in your life and how He makes you feel. You’re a bubbling teenager, all giddy with hope and joy, and it is the most wonderful feeling in the world. You can’t wait to get to church, and you are let down if you don’t get to spend time with in worship. You never want to leave those precious moments you have with Him, and you are hesitant to leave His side to get back to the rest of your life. Life is short here on earth and thank God for that because this long distance relationship is difficult sometimes. I can’t wait to be in His loving arms.

 


For more information about Kristeen Nicole Gillooly, her music, and her ministry, please visit http://www.kngmusicministry.com. You can also visit her artist website at http://www.kristeennicolegillooly.com. 

Can The Dead Speak With Us?

I was sitting here just a short time ago, trying to make changes to our company blog. Nothing was working. I would upload a picture but it didn’t work. I tried several things with a few themes. Finally, working with one theme, I thought that maybe I needed to crop my header photo. So, I went into the media file and typed 500 in the first box. No lie, this is was the result:

NaN

Now, I’m no rocket scientist but looking at my keyboard, I can easily see that the number 5 and the number 0 are nowhere near these letters. Not only that, it’s strange that the last letter would be capitalized. Or I guess I could say really any letter because I never used the shift button or the caps lock key. Where am I going with this and who is NaN?

I told you this morning that today (ok, it’s late so I guess now that was yesterday) was the one year anniversary of my mom and I talking again. Guess what my mom’s name is? Nancy. That’s right. Nancy. And guess what people close to her called her? Nan. That’s right. Nan. As a matter of fact, when she would sign cards, she would lift her hand to make a break in her name unintentionally so that it looked like “Nan cy” instead of “Nancy.”

Is it possible that my mom was reaching out to me? What do you think? Please respond below with your comments. I can’t wait to hear your opinions on this one!!!

 


For more information about Kristeen Nicole Gillooly, her music, and her ministry, please visit http://www.kngmusicministry.com. You can also visit her artist website at http://www.kristeennicolegillooly.com. 

Today is the Day

Today is the day. Today is the day I’ve both been waiting and dreading. It’s kind of a monumental day and yet it’s not. Why do I say these things? Because today my debut single, “Praying For You” was released. It also marks the anniversary of when my mom and I started talking again after 11 1/2 years. In case you didn’t know, I wrote this song for my mom 4 days before she passed away in February. So, even though there is joy today, there is also sadness.

Spend time with your families. Love on your kids and your parents because God can take them home any day.

 


For more information about Kristeen Nicole Gillooly, her music, and her ministry, please visit http://www.kngmusicministry.com. You can also visit her artist website at http://www.kristeennicolegillooly.com.