By now, you know that I’m not pregnant. I was so heartbroken and incredibly depressed when I heard the news. I felt like my body had betrayed me, like I had been lied to. Sure, I have something growing inside me but they don’t throw baby showers for these occasions… no little pink bows or baby blue socks. What’s worse, my affliction could very well prevent me from having kids if it so chooses to.
Yeah, I’m not having a baby. I’m having fibroids.
Do you know what fibroids are? They are non-cancerous tumors that grow in a woman’s uterus and are a common reason for having hysterectomies in this country. The doctor told me my diagnosis matter-of-factly, as if I was supposed to know what fibroids were. I asked if they were the reason I was having nausea and headaches but she couldn’t tell me. She told me to follow up with a gynecologist within a few weeks, but that I really shouldn’t wait too long. I had no idea how serious my case was, how many fibroids I had, or how big they were.
All I knew was that there was a name for my sickness,
and it wasn’t “pregnant.” I couldn’t stop crying.
I had lost my miracle, this beautiful child that I thought God was bringing me. The answer to my prayers. My husband didn’t understand, couldn’t understand why I was so devastated. He felt like my response was only normal for someone that had suffered a miscarriage. For me, it was a slammed door in the face to go with the childlike faith and courage I had passionately invested, believing that God could and would bring such a miracle to my life. I wasn’t just a believer – I was working for Him, daily trying to bring glory to Him by talking to others about my Savior. I thought this child was my reward.
The reward is in knowing Jesus.
I just couldn’t focus on that at the moment.
I had a lot to figure out now. I knew that I needed Jesus to help me deal with this but at the same time I felt like He had let me down. And, on top of everything I was feeling emotionally, I still had sickness in my body. I had no insurance and didn’t know what to do as I walked out of the clinic. I needed answers but where was I going to get them. A few days later, I received a disc in the mail with the imagery from my ultrasound. I desperately searched the internet to find software that would let me read it properly. My husband was sleeping next to me but I was on fire, determined to make some sense of my pain. I found the software, loaded the disc, and poured over the images. I couldn’t believe the numbers I was seeing…
22 fibroids, with the largest measuring 7.24 cm.
It was sitting right at my midline.
Stay tuned for “Miracle in the Making – Part 3” as a follow-up to God’s plan for Kristeen’s health. For more information about Kristeen Nicole Gillooly, her music and her ministry, please visit http://www.kngmusicministry.com. You can also visit her artist website at http://www.kristeennicolegillooly.com.