It doesn’t matter how much I do for my stepchildren, or how much I love them. Sometimes I feel like I’m just second best. Having them in my arms, and then watching them run to their real mom on Mother’s Day hurt more than I ever would have imagined. I was just enjoying the little time I had with them, so my broken heart afterwards left me bewildered. And then it dawned on me… there’s no award for second best. There’s no trophy, no flowers, no parade… there’s not even a special holiday.
Is it wrong that I want to love and be loved by my stepchildren?
Is it wrong that I wish that I held a special place in their hearts, and that I didn’t always feel like I come in second place?
I guess up until tonight, I thought I that I was just second best but really I’m more like third best. I know because the youngest first started crying out for Mommy tonight while I was singing for him. I am there, holding his hand, trying to comfort him but the next person on his mind was Daddy. I come after Mommy and Daddy. Ok, now I know. Getting closer to my place in the hierarchy.
I know that things take time. I’ve been in their lives for two years, and I just hope it gets easier. I hope that my feelings just dissipate on their own and that I don’t have to go crying in any more corners like a child. I’m not a baby; I understand how this works and who really brought them into the world. Still, it hurts to play that big a role but not feel that important. I’ve been an Aunt but being a step-mom is a lot different from just being an aunt. Aunt’s don’t do the parenting or bear the cost and responsibility. I have the role but none of the respect or entitlement. It’s like working at a job with no benefits. I don’t know… that’s just how it feels sometimes.
It’s true… I’m still broken-hearted because I have no children to love but other’s children. I know that God has a plan, and I know that He will see me through this. I love my stepchildren, and I hope that I can form long-lasting bonds with them. I will keep praying and giving away my heart, trusting in Him and His timing because my heart yearns for more.