As I sit here, I lay in a hospital bed. Alone. It’s 9pm on a Tuesday night, and my husband has to wake up early to get the kids to school.
There are a myriad of emotions I’m experiencing right now. Lonely. Helpless. Emotionally drained and overwhelmed at the same time. I’m still in shock about how I have gotten to this point. If you read my last post, you will remember I was fearless then. That was before I met with the pulmonologist.
I haven’t gotten any better. This is the stress I have been dealing with, the pain that has caused me to cry so much in the last week. But in the end, the consistent inability to breathe is what landed me in the emergency room. For months I’ve been wondering at what point someone would hospitalize me. After not being able to catch my breath for an hour and a half on Sunday, I made the decision myself. I asked my mother in law to drop me off at the hospital instead of church. I was admitted almost immediately.
They have done extensive blood work and a bronchoscopy. I’m hoping to have the results tomorrow but so far I know there are no tumors and no blockages. That’s a good sign. I’ve been on fluids and two IV antibiotics since I got here, and everyone is taking my case very seriously. There is comfort in that.
I’m a little less fearful and a lot more hopeful now thankfully. My husband came back from Miami yesterday where he had been helping with the hurricane relief. He surprised me outside my room when I got out of recovery from the bronchoscopy. I was so happy to see him, I cried out. Well, my hip was still hurting because the morphine hadn’t kicked in yet so that could have been part of it.
He stayed with me quite awhile last night which I was thankful for, and then he switched off with my mother in law who stayed with me all night. I cannot explain the gratitude and comfort that comes from knowing someone is right next to you during an unexpected hospital stay, when you feel at your absolute worst. She had to go drive back home to SC today but my last words to her as she left this morning were “I’ll never forget.”
So where does this leave me now? Back to where I was when all of this started. When I first got sick, during every coughing spell, at each moment I threw up, at every moment I cried out in pain… there was only one left standing. Jesus.
This is not to say that He is my last resort. When my family is here, of course I will make time to spend with my family. But I need my time with Him too. I was reading the Bible earlier and a food attendant came in whose name actually comes from the Bible. Elon. It means strong, like an oak tree.
I had a great conversation with the the attendant, and I have a gift for her when I see her again tomorrow. I’m having encounters here at the hospital I would otherwise never have. Maybe this is about more than just me being sick. I believe God can use me anywhere, and I believe that He will.
But right now… I’m going to turn my attention back to Him. I’m going to thank Him for the umpteenth time since I’ve been here, and delight in the grace He has bestowed upon me.
I have learned to live with the thorn, and although it hurts, it has brought me closer to God than any flower ever could. Think about that for a minute. Would you trade in your flower for a thorn to get closer to God?
Most will never do so willingly but He gives us all opportunities to know Him more intimately. I never asked to be so sick but I am grateful for the truths I could only know by allowing Him to walk with me on this journey. Only by succumbing to weakness could God’s strength and glory rise up in me when I had absolutely nothing left.
I know I’m not really alone. I know He’s with me. He’s been with me all along.
“Because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, for this reason, to keep me from exalting myself, there was given me a thorn in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to torment me– to keep me from exalting myself! Concerning this I implored the Lord three times that it might leave me. And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me.” 2 Corinthians 7-9