It’s Not About Me


I have spent a lot of time these last few months spinning my wheels, doing nothing. The tv is a nice mindless activity to get me through the bulk of my day without requiring a lot of energy out of me. This works because getting around has largely been hard for me to do as my back and hips continue to heal from the cancer. I sit in the nice chair my in-laws brought over for me with two main things in my lap – my dog and the remote. The problem is that it really doesn’t require anything out of me except a commitment to only the tv and nothing else. Ever notice how easily we go from one episode to the next while watching something on Netflix and before we realize it, several hours have passed and we have nothing to show for ourselves? They want this to happen or they never would have created the auto play option. And honestly, the last time I ever spent this much time binge watching tv was before I met my husband, before I got saved. I’ve had more important things to do. So why do I sit here now and consume so much that does so little for me?

The answer is really very simple. Call it avoidance of the big and little feelings that I have to still deal with lurking on the back burner of my mind. Or laziness to dive into something that will require a bigger commitment than I feel I can commit to. Maybe a bit of both even. There was a time when I longed to spend my days reading the bible all day instead of working. Now that I am home all day, this couldn’t be further from the reality of my current situation. Before an hour ago, I hadn’t opened my bible in weeks. Sure, I’ve listened to a few sermons but it’s not the same. Before today, I haven’t listened to worship music in weeks. Why? Because being well takes me forward a few steps and being unwell takes me back a few. There have been moments on this journey where I have really seen God’s hand, and then the rest of the time it seems like just deafening silence. And having to deal with things you don’t really want to deal with is sometimes enough of a reason to pull away from someone like Jesus, even when in my heart I know that He is the answer, the solution to everything I am dealing with. I’m not proud saying this but even I am not a person with perfect faith and perfect obedience to Him.

Why am I telling you this? Because the struggle is real. Every day is a battle to get back to Him, to get back to His word. The devil doesn’t want me to rely on Him for strength. In fact, the farther he can get me from the word of God, the more he can try and fill my head with nonsense. I know the truth but it’s still easy to take me away from God when I give in to the bleakness of my situation, when I let go of Him and hold on to the sickness my body is battling. I don’t want to live my life spinning wheels and just taking up space. Yes, there are still a lot of things I can’t do but there is plenty I can still do for the kingdom. Sometimes, it just takes me to wake up from my slumber and remember this isn’t about me. This whole cancer journey is not about whether I live or die, but about whether others live or die knowing Jesus. It’s time I remember my part.



7 thoughts on “It’s Not About Me

  1. Hello Kristeen! Thank you for your kind update! My wife Rhoda, is a breast cancer survivor and we have some idea of how you are feeling and what you are going through! Keep fighting the good fight of faith my new friend, and we will keep you in prayer for God’s healing and strength to persevere! I always enjoy reading your posts! You are a lovely woman of faith; please don’t let the devil take that or your joy from you! You are loved and in our prayers! God bless you and increase your ministry outreach in Jesus name I pray. Amen.

  2. You can do all things through Christ who strengthens you. It is his life in you that will do it. He is well able. Best wishes for continued recovery.

  3. Kristeen thanks for sharing. You know for the past 2 months I was batteling with my own health my husband fell and had surgery to his shoulder. I was feeling very sorry for myself. Then my brother who stays with my fell and I had to take care of him. He has brain damage and is cripple. He is 54. Why am I telling you this. I actually seen Gods hand in all that happend. I had to be rushed to Hospital so that a new Dr could give me the right medication. My husband had to get injured so that we could stand still and begin to think of what our future plans will be. God will never leave our sides. He is a jealous God he want us to see Him and spend time with him. Even if you just sit still. Close your eyes and focus on Him. You will feel needed wanted and like the daugther of the King.
    Blessings and Healing is yours.

  4. Hi, Kristeen. Thank you for being willing to share your heart, and the honesty you give us. It helps us know how best to pray for you. Be assured you are not loved any less for not yet being at a place where you can face some of the difficult things, for not always being able to “give them all to Jesus.” Your heart wants you to and your flesh says you’re not ready. It’s okay to be human. God still holds His loving arms out to you even He feels lightyears away. I must be honest as well and say that sometimes I forget to pray for you, and for others as well. Like you, I don’t read my Bible every day, even though I know I should. Life gets busy and complicated, and often keeps me distracted. But I am praying for you tonight, dear sister.

  5. P.S. Keep meaning to share this, and keep forgetting. With so many people getting all kinds of cancer, I figure the odds of me not getting some kind of cancer are slim. So I did some research. Of course no one thing is the right “cure” for everyone. Two things I have heard about that seem to help many: the alkaline diet (keeping the right ph balance in your body) starts with fasting for a few days, then following a specific diet that attracts the cancer cells (molasses) and mixing it with baking soda (an alkaline that kills the cancer cells). One man on You-Tube said he had stage four cancer and the doctors told him he had a year or less (I forget the exact amount of time) left to live. That was a few years ago. He is still alive and cancer free. He attributes it to the above diet plan. I have also heard that specific amounts of vitamin C every day, along with a specific diet, can cure cancer. I have not yet been diagnosed but the alkaline diet will be my first line of attack should I be diagnosed with it. My husband agrees. Hope this information helps you or someone else who is fighting this dread disease. Remember to find things to be thankful for. 1Th 5:18  In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you. Being thankful releases endorfins (not sure correct spelling) that will lift your mood and boost your immune system. Out of great tribulation comes great blessing.
    Blessings to you, my friend.

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