“What’s the point?”
Someone asked me this today. They wanted to know why, with all the time I have to myself during the day, I don’t do anything productive. Why don’t I tweet anything? Why don’t I practice my piano? Why, why, why? Oh and then “what’s the point?”
Are they trying to say what’s the point of me still living then? Is my life worth nothing unless I’m doing something productive?
They are not sitting in my shoes. They don’t have to deal with the sickness, pain, treatments, procedures, and setbacks that a person with cancer has to. I’ve been honest about my lack of direction, my bouts with depression, struggles with faith, and how I’m without a roadmap when it comes to what I’m supposed to do now. I’ve also been very vocal about the issues I’m having which keep me mostly chair-bound. But I guess I’m still supposed to accomplish so much while stuck in this chair during the day.
I was given a list of all these things that I could be doing instead of nothing. Sorry to the person that thought this conversation with me was going to be productive or even motivating because they obviously don’t understand how depression works, how setbacks discourage, and how I still don’t know what my purpose is to be now that I have cancer. I have good days and I have bad days. I don’t know which it’s going to be when I wake up everyday. I’m just thankful to be alive.
I will say this though. My mom was going through her cancer battle while I worked at the American Cancer Society. I couldn’t understand why she didn’t advocate for a cure, why she wasn’t talking about it to others like some of the survivors I knew in fundraising. In fact, her best friend didn’t even know she had it. I thought for sure she would be a fighter as far as finding a cure but she wasn’t. She didn’t do much of anything day in and day out. Pretty much do her treatments, surf the internet, spend time with family, and sleep. Now that I’m the one with cancer, I’m really not that far off in doing what she was doing.
What is so wrong with resting and taking care of myself during the day? Why do I have to have some grand masterpiece that shows I’ve been productive for the day? And what constitutes being productive? Who gets to decide what I, a cancer patient undergoing treatment, should do with my time all day? Cause really, what’s the point? I could spend my last 6 months watching tv or putting all my energy into taking a class, but one of these things will relax me while the other will likely cause unnecessary stress.
I think it’s really simple. When God calls on me to do something more, than I’ll do more but for now, let me have my rest.
Kristeen Nicole Gillooly 
May God bless you and be with you as you rest! My wife is a loving breast cancer survivor and during her chemotherapy often rested most of the day! I as her husband took on the household chores, and let her rest or sleep whenever she needed to! God bless you and your blog ministry. You are blessed to be a blessing! Please keep fighting the good fight of faith! God and your friends love and appreciate you and those that don’t well for them, Taylor Swift wrote a great song, “Shake it Off”! May God bless you and comfort you
Thank you Michael for your kind words. God bless you
Thank you my blessed friend! Goodnight my young lady! God bless you abundantly!
I love this, Kristeen. The honesty and vulnerability. It encourages me with just having my first eye done for cataract. To rest and be. Not be trying to do everything. And even tho it’s hard sometimes, I think Jesus teaches how to lean on him through the resting. And I don’t think that’s nothing. Jesus was never in a hurry. He was asleep on a boat with a storm that he had total control over while his disciples were freaking out. And he took a lot of time away to rest and be alone with God.
The world never saw that. But it seems like Jesus preferred that. His time with God. And I feel like that rest with his father flowed out into his one on one time with people.
I don’t always understand suffering, especially cancer. But I just thought of these verses: “He always comes alongside us to comfort us in every suffering so that we can come alongside those who are in any painful trial. We can bring them this same comfort that God has poured out upon us. And just as we experience the abundance of Christ’s own sufferings, even more of God’s comfort will cascade upon us through our union with Christ.”
2 Corinthians 1:4-5 TPT 💕
Blessings, my Dear Sister,
Partnering with my loving wife of 52 years in her liver cancer, I can attest that an active, vibrant Pastor’s wife can need to spend much of her time resting. She spoke to one of my coworkers in Christ about her sadness and her feelings of guilt about being unable to do the things she did just a year ago. His wise counsel was that her being, her battle to go on, is a witness and an inspiration to others. Particularly to younger women. I am praying for you as often as Jesus brings you to mind. You certainly inspire me and Kathleen in our battle. Don’t listen to your “Job’s counselors”.
Having done all, stand and see the Glory of the Lord, for the battle is His!
In His Love,
Pastor Jim
I believe you are making a difference in all the lives you touch! I certainly was touched by knowing you, praying for you incredibly increased my faith! I don’t think I could have been healed by the faith I had before knowing you and Nicholas. But, after our church somewhat adopted you after we prayed for you, I was diagnosed with a terminal disease. I watched you get healed and I had confidence in my own healing! Thank you both so much!
Oh boy do I hear that. Ever since I suffered brain damage people (especially family) have been all “bootstrap this” and “get back on the horse” that. They couldn’t understand I was working on ME, and my understanding of my place in the world.
Of course, now that I’ve worked it all out, they understand even less. But I suspect you might be able to see what I see, and so I invite you down my personal rabbit hole. Maybe there’s a solution to all this after all.
https://davidiclineage.wordpress.com/2018/04/21/the-davidic-legend/
Hi, Kristeen. Good to hear from you, not because you should be posting, but because you felt well enough to take the time. Stress is the last thing you need. It will increase the cancer and leave you listless, lifeless, depressed, and discouraged. As I battle my own I find I have less patience with life’s “little disasters” like my house being invaded by sugar ants every day, leaving no trail, no way to see where they are coming from or where they are going. They are even in my bedroom where there is no food!
I have started my own journal called “My Cancer Journey” on my website. It’s about things we are learning about how to treat cancer naturally because whether I have 20 years left of 6 weeks, I want to enjoy it. But I also know that different things work for different people. Not every cancer is the same, and even when it’s the same kind of cancer, it can affect its victims differently. But please feel free to visit if you feel so inclined. I don’t know if anything we are doing is working yet, but I feel okay most of the time. You can find it on my website at aletakaynovels.com. Look for “My Cancer Journey” on the menu bar at the top of the page.
I’ve been praying for you ever since I found out you had cancer and will continue to do so. Will mention you again in church this Sunday. You are a special lady and a dear sister in the Lord.
God is far more interested in a personal love relationship with us than He is with anything we could ever do or accomplish. As my Pastor often points out…. we are human beings not human doings. We get caught up in this world’s value system of what constitutes a respectable amount of accomplishment and productivity. Truth is, none of that really matters. What matters is our relationship with the Lord and drawing close to Him every day.
Your life has already been such an inspiration to me. I also struggle with depression and had a very rough six months last year as I struggled with extreme panic attacks and anxiety. I had never experienced anything like that before. For almost all of my life I have enjoyed good physical health and it was so disorienting to suddenly feel overwhelmed by the fragility of my mortality. By God’s grace and through testimonies such as yours I have been slowly but surely healing and regaining strength and hope.
Just the fact that you continue to persevere through such difficult circumstances is doing far more in the world than you could possibly know. No one who has not been confronted with a terminal illness has even the foggiest notion of the challenges you face. Rest well, Kristeen, knowing that the only thing that matters, the only thing you need to “do” each day is to fall into the loving arms of your Divine Creator. He knows why you are going through this physical trial and He can use it in far greater ways than we could ever imagine. That’s the point.