Fear of the Living Will

Crying. Just sitting crying. The first time it was because thinking about how fast my mom died in the end. Now, it’s because I’m thinking of my husband. No, he’s not on his way to dying but I may very well be.

It’s not that the cancer is in a bad state. It’s actually stable right now. But up until this point, I have refused to do a living will. The questions… the decisions you have to make and put on paper. Not everyone is able to face the hard task it is about your own death.

I don’t know what I should do if I wind up in a vegetable state, or be in a bed on a breathing machine for the rest of my life. When I think of these questions, my first thought is to preserve myself; I don’t want to die. But I don’t want to burden my husband either.

I would want him to be able to grieve properly so he can move on when the time is right. If I’m on a ventilator for a year, he would be hurting seeing me in that condition. So what do I do?

I’m gonna fill out the paperwork now. I’m not going to put it aside again. I can handle this, I can handle the hard questions.

I want to leave room for God in my decisions. I want Him to have all opportunity to save me in the end. You know, how I asked God to save my mom in the end. Well, the will of God will definitely trump any decisions I make.

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Can I Have A Real Moment With You?

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Lately I have been asked even more, “how is your wife doing?” Overall the fact that she is still here with us has been the biggest blessing ever. I thank God daily for each day and even each moment that I get to spend with her.

We used to love going on long walks together. We would talk about the future, share stories of our past, and even share thoughts about growing our family. So much has changed in such a short time.

Yesterday I had to explain to a coworker that my wife has a hard time just letting the dogs outside. God has done an amazing thing by healing Kristeen enough to get her off of the oxygen, but the battle she still faces today is her heart rate jumps up to 140 bpm anytime she gets up to walk or even standing to brush her teeth.

At…

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