Fear of the Living Will

Crying. Just sitting crying. The first time it was because thinking about how fast my mom died in the end. Now, it’s because I’m thinking of my husband. No, he’s not on his way to dying but I may very well be.

It’s not that the cancer is in a bad state. It’s actually stable right now. But up until this point, I have refused to do a living will. The questions… the decisions you have to make and put on paper. Not everyone is able to face the hard task it is about your own death.

I don’t know what I should do if I wind up in a vegetable state, or be in a bed on a breathing machine for the rest of my life. When I think of these questions, my first thought is to preserve myself; I don’t want to die. But I don’t want to burden my husband either.

I would want him to be able to grieve properly so he can move on when the time is right. If I’m on a ventilator for a year, he would be hurting seeing me in that condition. So what do I do?

I’m gonna fill out the paperwork now. I’m not going to put it aside again. I can handle this, I can handle the hard questions.

I want to leave room for God in my decisions. I want Him to have all opportunity to save me in the end. You know, how I asked God to save my mom in the end. Well, the will of God will definitely trump any decisions I make.

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5 thoughts on “Fear of the Living Will

  1. Lifting you up in prayer,asking the Lord to fill you with His comfort and His peace,with His assurance that all will be well, unto death and beyond. Asking that He make His presence known to you and that He give you a great big hug after you bravely finish your paperwork.

  2. May God bless you, comfort you, and grant you his loving wisdom with understanding as you make these tough decisions! In Jesus name, I pray! Amen.

  3. You have been through so much, and I ache for you. Self-preservation is our natural response to everything that threatens our lives. But we are born dying. As Christians we know we have something better to look forward to than this life. We will be safe in the arms of Jesus, who will wipe away our tears. We are going to a perfect place where no suffering will ever come again, where there will be peace, love and joy forever more. As a cancer patient myself, I can attest that I am in a win-win situation. If God chooses to heal me here, I’ll be fine and overjoyed. If my healing isn’t until the hereafter, I win. I’m not saying I haven’t had moments of trepidation. There are so many things I want to finish before He calls me home. I don’t want to leave my loved ones behind. I want to see all of our lost family members turn to Christ before I die. But I know God loves them more than I ever could. His word says He is not willing that any should perish, but that all would come to repentance. I believe in the power of prayer so I am entrusting them to His wonderful care. I wish for you this same peace that He has given me. Then again, I am 66 years old, whereas you are young. May the Lord continue to keep your health stable. May you grow stronger. May you find the foods that will help you fight this cancer. May our Lord fill your heart with indescribable joy in the midst of this trial. May you be flooded with His peace, the peace that passes understanding. In Jesus’ name, Amen. I love you, dear sister.

  4. God will surprise you and he will completley heal your whole body. he is a promise keeper, do not give up! – Patri

  5. Hi Kristen, yes, it’s hard to make those decisions. I have been putting it off too but just because it’s hard to do! I have a chronic condition but we are all dying; I think it is a good idea to do this early because we never know when God will take any of us. It makes it much easier on our loved ones! I am encouraging you to do it now; don’t put it off any longer! The time is now! If God takes you first it will help your family! My prayers to you to complete it and for complete healing! I believe in miracles!
    God bless you my sister in Christ! May your struggles draw you closer tonHim!!

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