Even when you’re going through it,

You’re not going through it;

You’re tiptoeing around,

Careful not to step on

Your own thoughts, your own feelings. 

You don’t really want to talk about it;

You don’t really want to write about it.

You only want to think about, write about 

Nothing at all.

The nothingness that stares you in the face,

The nothingness that will never be nothing again,

The life that will never be the same.


Still Hear The Whisper

It’s 11:30 in the morning, and I’ve already had my share of crying today. I’ve calmed down but I still want to crawl in my bed and just sleep the day away. Oh wait, I have problems with my muscles tightening terribly anytime I try to relax… so sleeping is usually out of pure exhaustion. I wonder how much crying I have to do to get to the point of exhaustion.

Honestly, what I really want is to just stop hurting. And to be heard. To have a doctor genuinely care and want to help me. Not just any doctor. You know, the kind that is supposed to help you. I just had another bad experience from a doctor that really has no interest in helping me, and this is coming from a rheumatologist. If he can’t help me, who can?

Even when I’m at my worst, I can hear the whisper from God. It’s easy to rely on a doctor to help me but they have an inadvertent way of reminding me that only God can.

It’s OK To Be Down, It’s OK To Be Unsure


Today is a down day for me. Maybe it’s because of all the crying I did yesterday. First at the physical therapy office… let’s just say he was a complete jerk in regards to my diagnosis and I will not be going back. The second time was when I broke down at my doctor’s office telling her everything that I’ve been through in the last two months. Okay, mostly every thing. I didn’t tell her about the cognitive issues. I didn’t tell her about the stress this has caused me. She was patient and understanding while she listened. After dealing with the physical therapist, it was encouraging to have someone be compassionate about what I’m going through.

The last time I cried was while listening to my husband’s sermon last night . He had written it out the night before when I went to bed early from exhaustion, and then recorded it last night in another room where I couldn’t hear him. I just couldn’t hold back the tears as he talked about how he has prayed for me while I sleep, how he has asked God why me? I have wondered how all of this has been affecting him, but he’s not one to talk about how he’s feeling. He said in his message that he was trying to be strong for me. That he has, and yet I know that he won’t always be able to be strong. My hope is that we can grieve and grow together as we overcome each hurdle that comes our way.

I listened to his message again this morning, and I keep thinking about the verse “my grace is sufficient for you…” 2 Corinthians 12:9. I’m desperately trying to understand the weight of it. Honestly, it’s a verse I wrestled with even before my headache started. Grace. It’s such a heavy word, and my feeble mind has a hard time comprehending.

Jesus died for me. For ME. I am a sinner, and He thought I was good enough, worthy enough, lovable enough to be pardoned. When it comes to salvation, I can much easier feel the weight of the cross. But when it comes to suffering, I fumble. Maybe because I haven’t suffered long enough. Maybe because I am coming to terms with what all this means for my life. Grace. It’s such a heavy, heavy word when you’re in the middle of suffering because it doesn’t always mean healing. It’s not a “get out of jail free card” in every situation.

I do much better with the second half of that verse… “for my power is made perfect in weakness.” This I see evidence of every day that I am in pain. He gives me the strength to do the things He has asked me to do, the things that are worthy in His eyes. When I call on Him, He is there. He shows up in the middle of struggle, and in the middle of my tears.

Whatever you are going through, know that He is always available and willing to be there for you in your darkest hour. You don’t have to be an expert on the bible or know how to pray. You can talk to God like you would talk to a friend, crying out for help and tell Him all that you have been through. You can tell Him your deepest darkest emotions that you think no one wants to hear or would understand. He wants to be the shoulder you cry on. He loves you that much.

“The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles.” Psalms 34:17

Today may be a down day for me, and that’s okay because God is with me. He knows and feels my pain. Because of Him, I can withstand the lows, go through the emotions I need to feel, all the while maintaining my faith and knowing the love He has for me. I don’t know what my future looks like; I don’t know how all of this is going to turn out and that is scary. But I do know that He is using me during this time. He is teaching me, and allowing my faith to grow from a tiny mustard seed into a mature tree. And my faith combined with His promises tell me that He will deliver me in the end.

A milk weed seed pod open and waiting for the wind to spread seeds.


Cry Baby, Cry

I want to talk about crying, you know, that thing that makes other people uncomfortable? Why did God give our bodies this beautiful gift, and how can we learn to react with love instead of fear when someone close is in this emotional state? Read on…

Tears are a relief valve. They are the result of too much pressure in the system. Circumstances and situations may start off as an irritant, and unresolved can grow into frustration. Keep adding fuel to the fire and you wind up with an inferno in an enclosed space. The windows buckle under the high pressure and blow out. Remember the saying that “the eyes are the window to our soul?” It’s true, and stress literally goes out those windows too. Crying releases stress hormones and return us to a state of calm. Wait, so if it reduces stress then why don’t more people allow themselves to cry or even other people? Let’s call it a simple misunderstanding…um, on a societal scale.

Most people associate crying with a sign of weakness. It is tolerated at best when we are infants while our parents do everything in their power to get us to settle down. Funny, now that I think about it. Crying actually is settling our body down, but I digress… Really, at any age it is frowned upon. We set up “societal norms” that say men don’t cry and women do, but then we don’t even let women cry because we don’t want to deal with it. I don’t know about you but the women in my life are stressed and need to cry…



If more men cried, I think our society would start to change. Men would start to realize how much better they feel after crying, and those experiences would help them better cope with their girlfriends and wives that are crying.

I think we should have a crying party, one big societal cry at an inappropriate time because really… when is it ever a bad time to release stress in a healthy way? Let’s say goodbye to alcohol and to drugs. Ours is a society that abuses itself because running away from our feelings supposedly shows emotional strength. I don’t know about you but this doesn’t make sense to me.
Be strong in relieving stress. Stand with me and shed your tears proudly because afterwards we’ll hug and feel great. Don’t feel the need to cry? That’s ok too, but I might need to and I’m going to need you to be understanding and supportive of my crying now that you know how good it is for me. I thought so. Now, wasn’t that simple?