Even when you’re going through it,

You’re not going through it;

You’re tiptoeing around,

Careful not to step on

Your own thoughts, your own feelings. 

You don’t really want to talk about it;

You don’t really want to write about it.

You only want to think about, write about 

Nothing at all.

The nothingness that stares you in the face,

The nothingness that will never be nothing again,

The life that will never be the same.


How Far Are You Willing To Go For Christ?


Are you willing to die? Are you willing to die right now, let go of everything in your life…

Your loved ones… Your children… Your family?

“And He was saying to them all, “If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross daily and follow Me. “For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake, he is the one who will save it.” Luke 9:23-24

That’s the question that became so clear to me last night when I lay down to sleep. This question that seemingly came out of nowhere, and yet one that so deeply affects…


It haunted me. It haunted me so much that I lay awake for hours… wrestling with who I am and where I am going in life, questioning my relationship with God, and if I am truly ready to meet the One that gave me life, that I claim to love so much.

Cue the tears. One by one, they fell into a seamless wave that would later wash over me again and again as I searched, tearing apart every thought that came to the surface.

What am I so scared of? Why do I run away from pain? Who am I to think I should escape suffering, that I can somehow keep myself shielded from having to endure more than I think I can handle? When am I going to trust God? When will I finally surrender EVERYTHING to Him? When will I allow myself to endure the pain? When will I finally accept it? When will I accept the long suffering that comes with life? When, when, when… when, when, when… oh how I here these words echoing, screaming, taunting me, killing me from the inside… tearing me apart… oh God, help me… Help me, please help me. Lord, who am I to deny you? Who am I to deny you everything that you want to do to me? Who am I to take away everything that you have worked so hard to build, to restore, to awaken in my life?

I consulted the bible with my questions, and one by one, they were defeated gracefully by the wisdom and love of God. And in the end, the final wave that came over me was unexpected and beautiful.

“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.” John 14:27

Peace, a peace I was not seeking. Sure, I go back and forth with my fears, knowing that God has called me to so much more. But in that moment, ready to fall asleep and put my day to rest, I was content to sit in my fear rather than crawl out of my jail cell. Whether it was me or God that chose that moment to wrestle with the devil himself, I can say that the sleep I lost was worth the peace in my heart right now.

I’m willing to die. I am willing to die. I’m willing to do whatever it takes. All day I have heard these words ringing in my head, not as a silly mantra I hope to believe one day, but instead with the resolve of a faith-filled Christian that finally, FINALLY is ready to take up the sword and not just sit scared in the corner, hoping God won’t call on me to once and for all, finally fight my fears for a chance to sit at His table. How far am I willing to go for Him? I’ve decided. I’m not sitting on the sidelines anymore hoping I’ll finally muster the courage to play in the game, knowing I’m going to get tackled, knowing… knowing… knowing… that my life is completely out of my control. I’m gonna get knocked down, and I’ve always let my fears keep me out of the game because I don’t want to feel the pain… but no more. NO MORE.

We have to be willing to die to truly live. We fear pain, but renewal requires letting go. We have to embrace the change by facing the pain of fear. If we allow ourselves to stay stuck in fear, we deny something that rightfully belongs to God: every part of ourselves. Give God your fear & let God use you for His glory. With God, we can do all things. That includes letting go of everything we know about ourselves, and letting go of the only self we know.

We have to accept the pain. We have to accept the challenge that He has put before us. We have to accept all of those things we keep trying to deny out of fear. God is with you and me. Let’s be willing to walk with Him.

“When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.” John 8:12





It’s Not About Me


I’m not the best singer. I have to work really hard to get my notes clean and to not tremble. I have to work really hard to make sure I don’t run out of breath and to not forget the words. Singing can look so effortless but it’s really not. There is so much technical stuff going on.

As a singer, I want to get it right. I strive for perfection. And when I get it right, I rejoice. Sometimes, maybe I rejoice in myself a little too much. Humble little me can sometimes be not so humble. When you don’t think you’re good enough, it’s easy to hide in the shadows and run from the limelight. But when everything is lining up the way you want it to, it’s easy to think of the next few lyrics and “hey, look at me” simultaneously. But guess what? It’s not about me.

Being on stage can be a dangerous catch 22. It’s a vulnerable place to be because you have all of these people looking at you, judging you… and yet you know your place is to serve God. You are not there for yourself or for their attention. You are there solely to lead and encourage them to forget you are even standing there so they can have a moment with Jesus.

My microphone is not a gateway to seek approval but to humbly worship and lead others to do the same. It’s to let them know it’s ok to forget about all of the troubles in the world and to just focus on Him. It’s an opportunity for the church to collectively thank Jesus together for all of the blessings He has bestowed upon us. And honestly, it’s not even about singing. Not really. The best worship experiences I have ever had were in those moments when I actually stopped singing and just started praising God with prayer in the middle of a song. We can get so caught up just singing words sometimes that we completely miss the point of allowing the thankfulness in our hearts to come to the surface and give it to God. 

When I’m worshiping, I really only have one goal and that is to meet Jesus myself. I want to spend time with Him, and I want others to have a safe place to do that as well. I know that the enemy will continue to try to interfere and prevent me from truly connecting because he doesn’t want people to know Jesus, but I can’t let him. There will always be technical stuff going on and yes, I want to be prepared as best as possible before hitting the stage but in the end, the outcome is really up to God. I lay it all at His feet… every word, every note, and every prayer to bring Him alone the glory.


Jericho is Falling

My Jericho. My giant.

I’m holding on too tightly.

It’s time to let go.

I can do this, I can do this. 

Tonight, I felt hope arise.

I felt it rise up from deep inside me. 

God lives in me, and that means

He has already won,

He has already conquered

The walls built around me, 

The enemy standing in front of me. 

I have already won,

I have already conquered

Because He loves me.

Walking In Fear

Isn’t it funny how we often don’t want to do what God calls us to do. I think that’s the difference between those that do things because they want to rather than because He wants us to. He never makes it easy for us. So many times on my journey, He has asked me to do things that terrify me. Honestly, these things still terrify me but I know that He is still with me, still working on me and sometimes that is the only thing that gives me the courage to move from a stationary position. If it were up to me, if it were up to a lot of us, we would just stay where we are, all cozy in our fear. God has a plan that must be carried out, even when we don’t feel equipped to do the job. He will teach us all we need to know, all we need to get through. Trusting Him to hold our hand as we walk though our deepest fears is a challenge but the reward is a closer relationship with the one who loves us. He is our safety net, our comfort through all things.

Be Ye Steadfast


This past weekend, my husband and I took some of the youth from our church to love on other kids at a church five hours away. They sacrificed sleep and an entire Saturday so that we could make the drive down south and come back the same night to be back at our church on Sunday. For our youth, I would say that it was more than just a sacrifice of time and energy though; they just lost their own youth pastor a few weeks ago and kept the commitment to do the event regardless. At a time in their lives when they have watched their friends leave the church in large numbers, they kept their hearts on fire for Him. At a time when they are questioning God’s plan, they went out of their way to minister to another group of youth that is in desperate need of answers and healing.

When we arrived at the other church, we learned that they have been trying to break ground and reach the youth in that community for the last two years, that the event we put on was the first in a series of events they plan on doing to help the kids. We learned that the church has suffered major losses in the last month, and that the devil continued to attack the staff personally up until the day of the event. As a matter of fact, the pastor that helped us coordinate the event had a family emergency and had to leave five minutes before the event was about to start. I am thankful that it was a false alarm, but we will still be praying for her mother.

When you try to do something for God, the enemy will attack. Everything that could go wrong that night did. We had everything from bad weather and low attendance to sound system issues and forgotten lyrics. Did this distract us from praying for revival? No. Did we give up and go home when it looked like we would fail? No. As a matter of fact, it allowed everyone to go after God even harder.

It may be sometime before we fully understand what was accomplished last night. It may be sometime before our youth fully understands the rewards for keeping the faith in such trying times. Still, I know hearts were moved last night. I know hearts were encouraged, including mine, to watch a generation put God first when everything around them is falling apart. I get chills just thinking about it, and revel in the knowledge that His love endures, that His goodness covers everything at all times, regardless of the rain that comes our way and the temptation to run when things get hard and confusing. Lord Jesus, thank you for your faithfulness and reminding us to be steadfast when doing the work of the Lord.

“For the Lord is good and his love endures forever; his faithfulness continues through all generations.” Psalm 100:5

“Therefore, my beloved brethren, be ye steadfast, unmovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord.” 1 Corinthians 15:58


One Word, One Name

My best friend is dying. My best friend is dying, and the time is near. I knew this day would come but no matter how many conversations you have about it, the reality is something that hits you over and over again across a large span of time. It hits you all at once… and then again, and again. We deal with it as best we can, and then reality goes to sleep only to be reawakened with every new symptom, with every change….

She can’t communicate. She tries, oh how she tries. We are so far away from each other for reasons I can’t share so the only way we can communicate is through the phone. Her speech has been badly affected, and she can barely even type. She has been trying to communicate with me with all day, and I haven’t been able to understand what she is trying to tell me. It is frustrating for both her and me, and I’m sure we have both had our share of tears today.

My friend is not saved. She doesn’t believe that God loves her, and I have been talking about Jesus at any moment that I can. I know that her time is short, and I want her to have the opportunity to give her heart to Him before He brings her home. She has her reasons for not wanting to go to Heaven, reasons that I understand. I haven’t lost hope though, I can’t lose hope.

She just messaged me. She just messaged me one word, one name, with no explanation or implication. That name was Jesus.

“For everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.” Romans 10:13

Left On The Sidelines


It feels like torture, this pain inside;
I just want to help her,
Make a difference
But I’m left on the sidelines.

There’s no reaching out
From this long, lost road;
I’m crying out but my tears are dead
To the miserable.

They have their own pain,
Their own cross to bear
So I’m left wondering…

Do they need me?
Am I good enough?

Use me Lord,
Don’t let my time go to waste;
I have no miracle
But my heart is yours to take.

Renewed Purpose


I’ve learned that part of surrendering myself to God is writing songs that praise Him rather than as an afterthought prayer to make the pain go away. When I was a baby Christian, I didn’t know any other way to approach Him but I see Him working in me now.

I feel the difference. I trust Him more, and from that trust, I can praise Him in even my darkest hour because His ways are better than mine. I can praise Him and truly rejoice in everything that He is. Thank you Jesus for saving me, for giving me new life, for continuing to convict me, and for calling me to worship.

Today I sing a new song, a song of renewed purpose to bring you glory.