When Life Is Too Short

An old coworker of mine lost her son last night to cancer. Bone cancer. He was 14 years old.

He won’t live to finish high school. He won’t live to fall in love and marry his sweetheart. He won’t bring kids into this world or work hard to provide for his family. There will be no growing old with his wife and hugging his grandchildren. His life is no more.

I don’t know how God makes these decisions. How a child can die but I’m still here. I’ve been able to do so much with my life that Kristian will no longer even be able to dream of doing. My prayers go out to his family.

Lord, make my life meaningful. Help me make my life mean more than the hours that seem to just pass by. If I’m still here, than it must be for a purpose I can only hope to understand. There must be more God is calling on me to do. Help me succeed so that this life is not held in vain. Amen.

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Tiptoe


Even when you’re going through it,

You’re not going through it;

You’re tiptoeing around,

Careful not to step on

Your own thoughts, your own feelings. 

You don’t really want to talk about it;

You don’t really want to write about it.

You only want to think about, write about 

Nothing at all.

The nothingness that stares you in the face,

The nothingness that will never be nothing again,

The life that will never be the same.

I Never Could Have Known

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I came across one of your songs today, and a flood of emotions came to the surface. The love for a young girl that died way too young. I wanted to save you, I wanted to love you and give you a home but God had other plans.

I know the song* was how you got through your last days. And as it made its way to my playlist, I wrote this for you… I miss you sweet Faith.

 

I never could have known

What you went through,

The constant doubt, the many questions

Would now be filling my days.

I did the best I could,

Trying to be there for you

 

But I never could have known

Just what you really went through.

I feel like a failure

I get it now, I really do;

I was nowhere near

What you needed me to be;

 

You needed a miracle,

And I was never going to

Be able to give that to you

And now that I’m in the fire,

I feel the doubt, I have the questions

But you’re already gone.

 


*Fight Song by Rachel Platten

Under His Wings

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It’s been almost three years. It feels like forever, and yet it feels like yesterday at the same time.

It doesn’t get easier listening to this song. Understandably, it’s hard for me to watch the video as well. Often, I have to separate myself from everything I was going through when I wrote it, and everything that transpired quickly after when my mom went to meet Jesus. Sometimes, it’s the only way you can deal. Watching the video makes running away a lot harder because the emotion is spilling everywhere. It is the most vulnerable state I have ever dared to share with the world, and I can only pray that it allows others to connect with their own pain, let the tears fall, and encourage them to reach out to Jesus for comfort.

There’s a part of my heart that is still broken and at a loss for words. Then there’s the part where God whispers to me a familiar refrain, “I have a purpose; your pain shall not be in vain.” I hope you know the same is true for the loss you have endured, and the pain that you go through every day. We don’t have to do this alone, we don’t have to carry such heavy burdens on our own shoulders. In Him, we can find refuge, comfort, and hope.

Psalm 91

Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High
    will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress,
    my God, in whom I trust.”

Surely he will save you
    from the fowler’s snare
    and from the deadly pestilence.
He will cover you with his feathers,
    and under his wings you will find refuge;
    his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
You will not fear the terror of night,
    nor the arrow that flies by day,
nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,
    nor the plague that destroys at midday.
A thousand may fall at your side,
    ten thousand at your right hand,
    but it will not come near you.
You will only observe with your eyes
    and see the punishment of the wicked.

If you say, “The Lord is my refuge,”
    and you make the Most High your dwelling,
10 no harm will overtake you,
    no disaster will come near your tent.
11 For he will command his angels concerning you
    to guard you in all your ways;
12 they will lift you up in their hands,
    so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.
13 You will tread on the lion and the cobra;
    you will trample the great lion and the serpent.

14 “Because he loves me,” says the Lord, “I will rescue him;
    I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.
15 He will call on me, and I will answer him;
    I will be with him in trouble,
    I will deliver him and honor him.
16 With long life I will satisfy him
    and show him my salvation.”

 

 

Left On The Sidelines

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It feels like torture, this pain inside;
I just want to help her,
Make a difference
But I’m left on the sidelines.

There’s no reaching out
From this long, lost road;
I’m crying out but my tears are dead
To the miserable.

They have their own pain,
Their own cross to bear
So I’m left wondering…

Do they need me?
Am I good enough?

Use me Lord,
Don’t let my time go to waste;
I have no miracle
But my heart is yours to take.

Renewed Purpose

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I’ve learned that part of surrendering myself to God is writing songs that praise Him rather than as an afterthought prayer to make the pain go away. When I was a baby Christian, I didn’t know any other way to approach Him but I see Him working in me now.

I feel the difference. I trust Him more, and from that trust, I can praise Him in even my darkest hour because His ways are better than mine. I can praise Him and truly rejoice in everything that He is. Thank you Jesus for saving me, for giving me new life, for continuing to convict me, and for calling me to worship.

Today I sing a new song, a song of renewed purpose to bring you glory.

How Far Is Too Far?

abuse

We were supposed to help a family come to know Jesus. We were supposed to help them overcome the fears and pain of living in this world. It wasn’t that easy.

We thought we had it all figured out. We knew it was going to be a long and brutal road, but we took it on in the spirit of love and ministry. We thought it was what God wanted us to do. For four long months, starting from the day we got the keys to our new house, my husband and I served this family. We adopted this family from a distance and loved them as best we could. We helped them through some of the darkest days and were there as they worked through demons from their past. But cancer changes everything. Dying changes everything.

Sometimes we can work so hard that we become committed to the cause and stop checking to see if we are still making a difference. We commit because we come to love those that we are serving, and we don’t want to let them down. We also don’t want to let God down, even if we have stopped considering what God really wants for the situation. In our case, we became so entangled with this family and their needs that we couldn’t hear God’s voice anymore about what He wanted us to do. We just really felt it was important to keep our feet planted in the relationship and show unconditional love towards them, no matter what the cost.

Our relationship turned brutal quickly. Over and over again, we were told it was better if we just all parted ways. It wasn’t what we wanted and we fought against it. The more we fought to stay, the more hurtful the attacks would be against us. It was stressing us out, and causing issues between my husband and I. It was causing issues when we were trying to spend time with family, or focus on work and school. I prayed constantly about the relationship, praying for God’s will, praying for answers and responses to very difficult questions and situations. In the end, I was pushed so hard that I finally walked away with a broken heart and a strong desire to change my phone number so I would never hear from them again.

I was so terribly hurt having to throw in the towel, and I felt like a failure. I have also felt incredibly guilty because I know there are a lot of reasons why they behaved as they did. Still, I don’t think God wanted me to suffer so much with no end in sight. If He really wanted me to do this, wouldn’t good fruit be plenty? Wouldn’t there be more good times than bad times, and wouldn’t we have succeeded in helping this family know Him?

I see now how much this situation was hurting me and my family. I see now that there must be boundaries between our ministry work and our personal lives, and that we cannot sacrifice ourselves to the point of allowing abuse. I miss them and I still pray for them every day, but I can breathe now. I can focus on my kids again, my husband, and others that need to know Jesus. Maybe our work was in vain, maybe it wasn’t, but we are going to trust that what we started, God will finish. That God can still use us for something else, and maybe… just maybe… this family will still give their lives to Christ.

Sudden Hearing Loss

Profound testimony to start my series called “Letters From Zanele.” She is a remarkable young adult in Africa with a heart for Jesus. Her story and style of writing will move you…

You asked why this might be happening to me, the sudden hearing loss… God is so good as to why everything is happening. I think I am slowly regaining my hearing though, which is something my doctor is going to confirm.

I love reading but mostly I love writing. I can literally write about anything and everything. Last year around december, I volunteered to help out at church, but mostly wanted to help out with the bible study because the teacher or people who conducted the study were very old people. Now don’t get me wrong, I love old people because they have so much wisdom but I felt like we needed someone young for the youth to relate to. I was so happy when they gave me the youth class to teach but I have one of the church elders who conducts the class with me. He is like my supervisor. I always ask him for advice and sometimes I would ask him what to teach at class.

Now there is a woman at church who doesn’t like me at all, its a small church so we almost know each other very well. This woman wanted her son to be the one in charge of the youth bible study. I told her that her son can come and we can work to together but she insisted that I should step down and let her son take over. I wasn’t going to step down but was willing to share the job now because the lady didn’t want that at all, she started telling lies about me at church and rumors which weren’t true. Things like I’m a party animal and I drink too much. First of all, due to my heart condition, alcohol is a big NO and I don’t like parties. So she basically told lies which were nowhere near the truth. The problem with me is that I’m very sensitive, I take words literally into my heart.

Now its been a few weeks now that this has been happening and the first time she told a lie about me, I got sick. My sudden hearing loss began when all these negative words from her started affected my health. Its only today when I talked to my pastor at church that I got to understand what was happening.

God was silencing the negative words that came from this lady because they were completely destroying my spirit. My revelation was when I got to understand that to Quiet The Noise doesn’t apply to the music we listen to only but to the people we listen to. I asked myself if the words we choose to listen to from people; are they bringing us closer to God or pulling us further and further away. Its only just yesterday that I finally Quiet The Noise from this woman and that’s when today when I woke up, I had a better hearing that last night.

God was protecting me. He was guiding me, He knew that I would eventually get sick to a point where I land up in hospital again unless I really took out the negativity away from my spirit. I Praise Him because He is Lord. Its still a fuzzy picture but that’s my conclusion, God was looking out for me all along 😊

It May Feel Like…

At times it may feel like you are taking two steps forward, and one step back, but as long as you are holding the hand of Christ, you are making progress and moving through the pain so that you can finally see the light.