It’s Not About Me


I have spent a lot of time these last few months spinning my wheels, doing nothing. The tv is a nice mindless activity to get me through the bulk of my day without requiring a lot of energy out of me. This works because getting around has largely been hard for me to do as my back and hips continue to heal from the cancer. I sit in the nice chair my in-laws brought over for me with two main things in my lap – my dog and the remote. The problem is that it really doesn’t require anything out of me except a commitment to only the tv and nothing else. Ever notice how easily we go from one episode to the next while watching something on Netflix and before we realize it, several hours have passed and we have nothing to show for ourselves? They want this to happen or they never would have created the auto play option. And honestly, the last time I ever spent this much time binge watching tv was before I met my husband, before I got saved. I’ve had more important things to do. So why do I sit here now and consume so much that does so little for me?

The answer is really very simple. Call it avoidance of the big and little feelings that I have to still deal with lurking on the back burner of my mind. Or laziness to dive into something that will require a bigger commitment than I feel I can commit to. Maybe a bit of both even. There was a time when I longed to spend my days reading the bible all day instead of working. Now that I am home all day, this couldn’t be further from the reality of my current situation. Before an hour ago, I hadn’t opened my bible in weeks. Sure, I’ve listened to a few sermons but it’s not the same. Before today, I haven’t listened to worship music in weeks. Why? Because being well takes me forward a few steps and being unwell takes me back a few. There have been moments on this journey where I have really seen God’s hand, and then the rest of the time it seems like just deafening silence. And having to deal with things you don’t really want to deal with is sometimes enough of a reason to pull away from someone like Jesus, even when in my heart I know that He is the answer, the solution to everything I am dealing with. I’m not proud saying this but even I am not a person with perfect faith and perfect obedience to Him.

Why am I telling you this? Because the struggle is real. Every day is a battle to get back to Him, to get back to His word. The devil doesn’t want me to rely on Him for strength. In fact, the farther he can get me from the word of God, the more he can try and fill my head with nonsense. I know the truth but it’s still easy to take me away from God when I give in to the bleakness of my situation, when I let go of Him and hold on to the sickness my body is battling. I don’t want to live my life spinning wheels and just taking up space. Yes, there are still a lot of things I can’t do but there is plenty I can still do for the kingdom. Sometimes, it just takes me to wake up from my slumber and remember this isn’t about me. This whole cancer journey is not about whether I live or die, but about whether others live or die knowing Jesus. It’s time I remember my part.




There Are Those That Need To Know You…


There are those that need to know you, that reject you at every opportunity. They fail to give you the recognition that you deserve for giving them life. They rely on their own ways and fail repeatedly to make improvements in their life. I watch them falter, fall over, and push you away time and time again, and my heart just wells with pain. I pray for them silently because they cringe at your name. They reject me when I try to offer your love as solace, as a way to find healing in their lives. Lord, I pray that you will be with them when I cannot. That you never turn away their cries for help, even when they cry out someone else’s name before they call on you. They do not know you and are scared to love you. I love them, and pray that they do not pass from this world before giving you a chance. I pray that they run to you before time runs out, and that you show them without a doubt that you never left their side. That you were there at every step, every failed opportunity. That your hearts were entwined when they denied you because you loved them anyway. Thank you Lord for loving the lost, for never giving up on the sheep that think they know the way better than you. Oh, how I love you Lord Jesus for giving up your life for every one of us, even when we don’t deserve it. For the hearts filled with shame, guilt, depression, and hate… God loves you and He will never stop seeking your unconditional love to turn away from the things of this world. He will never stop looking for you to turn to Him.

You Don’t Have To Be Lost


We always think we know where we are going in life. We plan ahead and think, “I’ll take this turn then that one…” We rarely get it right on our own and can become so lost that we feel helpless and all alone. Going through life without God, without trusting God, is like tackling a labyrinth on your own. It takes courage to have faith, to relinquish our power and thinking that we know what we are doing. It’s okay to admit that we haven’t a clue! God is always there for us, but it takes faith to let Him lead. Don’t be afraid to close your eyes and let Him lead you out of your current situation. Not only will He save you, He will introduce you to the most beautiful life you ever dreamed of for yourself when you get out of the maze. Trust in the One that made you to guide you to a new life. He truly does love you that much.