I know you hear me Lord. I know you hear the cries of my heart. They are screaming for you to save someone I love, to save someone that desperately needs you. It’s happening all over again isn’t?
“Sitting here in the dark
Waiting on a miracle;
Don’t know what to think
Not much that I can do.
So I just keep praying, I am praying for you;
And when the sun is going down,
I’ll still be praying for you.”
I wrote this song so long ago, for a different person, under very different circumstances but my prayer is the same. I’m praying for you to reach down and save her from disease and pain, from fear and uncertainty. I’m praying for a miracle.
“He is my refuge and my fortress;
My God, in whom I trust.
Surely, He will save you…”
It seems I have been fighting a silent battle for awhile now. One look at my Twitter account in the last month and a half, and you will see several requests for prayer. I feel like I am finally at a point where I can talk about my struggle.
It started as nausea and an upset stomach that started the day after my single was released. My head was hurting so bad that I was lightheaded and dizzy. Over the course of several days, these symptoms continued and new ones like belching and a strong sense of smell left me feeling bewildered, weak, and overwhelmed at the same time. What was going on with my body?
I thought I was pregnant. I hoped I was pregnant.
You should know that my husband is fixed. After three kids with his ex, he thought it a good time to stop having more. I’ve never had children of my own and I want nothing more than to have a child with Nick. We don’t have the money to have it reversed so let’s just say that I’ve put my faith in a miracle.
I took my first pregnancy test. Negative.
And over the course of the following two weeks, I would take three more, devastated each time but still holding on to hope. Maybe I didn’t have enough HCT in my system yet?
I was so sure that I was pregnant that I had started praying for my baby.
I prayed that I would carry a healthy baby full-term, that God would keep me in this world to see them grow up in the love and faith I planned on raising them with. I had joy in my heart over this miracle growing inside me but also had to contend with the doubt and reality of every negative test. Hearing my husband tell me I looked pregnant reassured me throughout the process of disappointment. These were the most trying two weeks of my life, struggling to hold onto faith and God’s promises while calling out to God for truth.
Once I started having pelvic pain, I panicked. I was afraid that I might have an ectopic pregnancy and so I had my husband bring me to an urgent care clinic. I knew they would need to do an ultrasound and I was scared.
My consistent prayer was “Be with me Lord.”
All during the procedure, my husband wore a frown as he watched the screen I couldn’t see, the one the technician was using to key different measurements. Afterwards, I tried everything to stay patient. We had been there for hours, waiting to find out the truth. And when the truth finally came, I was heartbroken.
I was never pregnant.
Stay tuned for “Miracle in the Making – Part Two” to find out the affliction in Kristeen’s life and her struggle to find the healing promised to her in God’s word. For more information about Kristeen Nicole Gillooly, her music and her ministry, please visit http://www.kngmusicministry.com. You can also visit her artist website at http://www.kristeennicolegillooly.com.