The Need For Rest Will Just Have To Do For Now

The last time I was sick on Christmas was five years ago… before my life was drastically altered after meeting my husband and embracing the Christian faith wholeheartedly for the first time. I had traveled to Colorado via Greyhound to spend the holiday with my best friend and her kids. Taking the bus was a great way to get out of the city to venture the beaten path with my camera after the end of a six-year relationship I never should have been in, and the end of a disillusionment for an affair that would never be more than a roll in the hay. 

Yeah, I’d had better days and the opportunity to run away from home was enchanting. The road to freedom was a little more traveled than I wanted it to be though; it took three days to get to Colorado and five to get home. I remember getting stuck in the Dallas bus station for a day and a half while a snowstorm wrecked havoc just north of us. I was still trying to get to Colorado, and I was completely at the mercy of a storm I couldn’t even see. It wasn’t snowing in Dallas where I was, but all around me it was coming down so heavy that travel all the way up to Denver was at a halt. I just wanted to get where I was going, and I wanted answers. There was no way out and nowhere to feel safe. 

I think it took a good 12 hours before they finally brought a bus out for us weary-eyed travelers to sleep on. I was so thankful… all I wanted was answers and rest, but I would settle at the moment for just some rest. It’s how I’m feeling again after all these years.

Cancer has a way of eating away at your soul… if you’ll let it. Sometimes I do, I won’t lie. Sometimes, I give in and let the cancer take a bite or two out of me. Sometimes it takes a few days, weeks, or months for me to wake up out of the chokehold-slumber that cancer is and stumble again onto my faith. On Christmas Day, it was just a reminder staring back at me that reads “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” Yesterday, it was a complete meltdown on the living room sofa where I begged God to help me over and over again. Today, it might look like something completely different but I’m not giving up. 

The answers may come another day but for today, I’m going to take the rest that comes with knowing Him. 



Even when you’re going through it,

You’re not going through it;

You’re tiptoeing around,

Careful not to step on

Your own thoughts, your own feelings. 

You don’t really want to talk about it;

You don’t really want to write about it.

You only want to think about, write about 

Nothing at all.

The nothingness that stares you in the face,

The nothingness that will never be nothing again,

The life that will never be the same.

It’s Not About Me


I’m not the best singer. I have to work really hard to get my notes clean and to not tremble. I have to work really hard to make sure I don’t run out of breath and to not forget the words. Singing can look so effortless but it’s really not. There is so much technical stuff going on.

As a singer, I want to get it right. I strive for perfection. And when I get it right, I rejoice. Sometimes, maybe I rejoice in myself a little too much. Humble little me can sometimes be not so humble. When you don’t think you’re good enough, it’s easy to hide in the shadows and run from the limelight. But when everything is lining up the way you want it to, it’s easy to think of the next few lyrics and “hey, look at me” simultaneously. But guess what? It’s not about me.

Being on stage can be a dangerous catch 22. It’s a vulnerable place to be because you have all of these people looking at you, judging you… and yet you know your place is to serve God. You are not there for yourself or for their attention. You are there solely to lead and encourage them to forget you are even standing there so they can have a moment with Jesus.

My microphone is not a gateway to seek approval but to humbly worship and lead others to do the same. It’s to let them know it’s ok to forget about all of the troubles in the world and to just focus on Him. It’s an opportunity for the church to collectively thank Jesus together for all of the blessings He has bestowed upon us. And honestly, it’s not even about singing. Not really. The best worship experiences I have ever had were in those moments when I actually stopped singing and just started praising God with prayer in the middle of a song. We can get so caught up just singing words sometimes that we completely miss the point of allowing the thankfulness in our hearts to come to the surface and give it to God. 

When I’m worshiping, I really only have one goal and that is to meet Jesus myself. I want to spend time with Him, and I want others to have a safe place to do that as well. I know that the enemy will continue to try to interfere and prevent me from truly connecting because he doesn’t want people to know Jesus, but I can’t let him. There will always be technical stuff going on and yes, I want to be prepared as best as possible before hitting the stage but in the end, the outcome is really up to God. I lay it all at His feet… every word, every note, and every prayer to bring Him alone the glory.


Walking In Fear

Isn’t it funny how we often don’t want to do what God calls us to do. I think that’s the difference between those that do things because they want to rather than because He wants us to. He never makes it easy for us. So many times on my journey, He has asked me to do things that terrify me. Honestly, these things still terrify me but I know that He is still with me, still working on me and sometimes that is the only thing that gives me the courage to move from a stationary position. If it were up to me, if it were up to a lot of us, we would just stay where we are, all cozy in our fear. God has a plan that must be carried out, even when we don’t feel equipped to do the job. He will teach us all we need to know, all we need to get through. Trusting Him to hold our hand as we walk though our deepest fears is a challenge but the reward is a closer relationship with the one who loves us. He is our safety net, our comfort through all things.

Be Ye Steadfast


This past weekend, my husband and I took some of the youth from our church to love on other kids at a church five hours away. They sacrificed sleep and an entire Saturday so that we could make the drive down south and come back the same night to be back at our church on Sunday. For our youth, I would say that it was more than just a sacrifice of time and energy though; they just lost their own youth pastor a few weeks ago and kept the commitment to do the event regardless. At a time in their lives when they have watched their friends leave the church in large numbers, they kept their hearts on fire for Him. At a time when they are questioning God’s plan, they went out of their way to minister to another group of youth that is in desperate need of answers and healing.

When we arrived at the other church, we learned that they have been trying to break ground and reach the youth in that community for the last two years, that the event we put on was the first in a series of events they plan on doing to help the kids. We learned that the church has suffered major losses in the last month, and that the devil continued to attack the staff personally up until the day of the event. As a matter of fact, the pastor that helped us coordinate the event had a family emergency and had to leave five minutes before the event was about to start. I am thankful that it was a false alarm, but we will still be praying for her mother.

When you try to do something for God, the enemy will attack. Everything that could go wrong that night did. We had everything from bad weather and low attendance to sound system issues and forgotten lyrics. Did this distract us from praying for revival? No. Did we give up and go home when it looked like we would fail? No. As a matter of fact, it allowed everyone to go after God even harder.

It may be sometime before we fully understand what was accomplished last night. It may be sometime before our youth fully understands the rewards for keeping the faith in such trying times. Still, I know hearts were moved last night. I know hearts were encouraged, including mine, to watch a generation put God first when everything around them is falling apart. I get chills just thinking about it, and revel in the knowledge that His love endures, that His goodness covers everything at all times, regardless of the rain that comes our way and the temptation to run when things get hard and confusing. Lord Jesus, thank you for your faithfulness and reminding us to be steadfast when doing the work of the Lord.

“For the Lord is good and his love endures forever; his faithfulness continues through all generations.” Psalm 100:5

“Therefore, my beloved brethren, be ye steadfast, unmovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord.” 1 Corinthians 15:58


My Calling Is Higher Than A Slot On TV

Hey there. Not sure what you’re working on right now but I was hoping to bug you for a minute. Is that ok? I need to vent. Sometimes I just need to talk to someone that understands what I’m trying to do, someone that knows this isn’t about me.

You know what I’m trying to do right? You, another Christian like myself, should know that I’m not after fame. I could care less about fortune. At the end of the day, all I really care about is Jesus, Jesus, Jesus.

There are people out there still trying to take advantage of me. They see my love for God and think that surely I want to spend money to make myself famous singing for my Savior. Nothing could be further from the truth. I wish they understood like you do that saving people is more important than my music. This music thing is a part-time gig; my full-time job is ministry.

I don’t want to sell my soul for fame. And I surely don’t want to sell my God for fame either.

Ok, vent over.

Renewed Purpose


I’ve learned that part of surrendering myself to God is writing songs that praise Him rather than as an afterthought prayer to make the pain go away. When I was a baby Christian, I didn’t know any other way to approach Him but I see Him working in me now.

I feel the difference. I trust Him more, and from that trust, I can praise Him in even my darkest hour because His ways are better than mine. I can praise Him and truly rejoice in everything that He is. Thank you Jesus for saving me, for giving me new life, for continuing to convict me, and for calling me to worship.

Today I sing a new song, a song of renewed purpose to bring you glory.

No One Special

I am no one special. Really, as far as this world goes, who I am doesn’t matter. There is no need for applause. There is no need for a great following or a loud cheer. I could delete all of my followers, put down my music, and never sing another note. Jesus would still love me. I am not here for the praise of man but to praise the one who gave His life for me. So if I must sing, I will do it for Him.

If I am hated by every man, and thrown into jail for speaking about my faith and sharing the Gospel, it wouldn’t make me a better or worse person. There is no martyr greater than Jesus, and I am humbled in knowing Him. I am humbled when in the trenches because I know that my sacrifices will never compare to what He has done for me.

I am no one special. All that is good about me came from Him. Everything beautiful and wonderful, everything that instills joy and leaves one with hope is of Him. I am no one special, but my Jesus is everything special to me.


For more information about Kristeen Nicole Gillooly, her music, and her ministry, please visit or her artist site at To learn more about Jesus, please reach for your closest bible. If you are in need of a bible and cannot afford one, please visit


How Far Is Too Far?


We were supposed to help a family come to know Jesus. We were supposed to help them overcome the fears and pain of living in this world. It wasn’t that easy.

We thought we had it all figured out. We knew it was going to be a long and brutal road, but we took it on in the spirit of love and ministry. We thought it was what God wanted us to do. For four long months, starting from the day we got the keys to our new house, my husband and I served this family. We adopted this family from a distance and loved them as best we could. We helped them through some of the darkest days and were there as they worked through demons from their past. But cancer changes everything. Dying changes everything.

Sometimes we can work so hard that we become committed to the cause and stop checking to see if we are still making a difference. We commit because we come to love those that we are serving, and we don’t want to let them down. We also don’t want to let God down, even if we have stopped considering what God really wants for the situation. In our case, we became so entangled with this family and their needs that we couldn’t hear God’s voice anymore about what He wanted us to do. We just really felt it was important to keep our feet planted in the relationship and show unconditional love towards them, no matter what the cost.

Our relationship turned brutal quickly. Over and over again, we were told it was better if we just all parted ways. It wasn’t what we wanted and we fought against it. The more we fought to stay, the more hurtful the attacks would be against us. It was stressing us out, and causing issues between my husband and I. It was causing issues when we were trying to spend time with family, or focus on work and school. I prayed constantly about the relationship, praying for God’s will, praying for answers and responses to very difficult questions and situations. In the end, I was pushed so hard that I finally walked away with a broken heart and a strong desire to change my phone number so I would never hear from them again.

I was so terribly hurt having to throw in the towel, and I felt like a failure. I have also felt incredibly guilty because I know there are a lot of reasons why they behaved as they did. Still, I don’t think God wanted me to suffer so much with no end in sight. If He really wanted me to do this, wouldn’t good fruit be plenty? Wouldn’t there be more good times than bad times, and wouldn’t we have succeeded in helping this family know Him?

I see now how much this situation was hurting me and my family. I see now that there must be boundaries between our ministry work and our personal lives, and that we cannot sacrifice ourselves to the point of allowing abuse. I miss them and I still pray for them every day, but I can breathe now. I can focus on my kids again, my husband, and others that need to know Jesus. Maybe our work was in vain, maybe it wasn’t, but we are going to trust that what we started, God will finish. That God can still use us for something else, and maybe… just maybe… this family will still give their lives to Christ.