September 13th, 3:38 am
Insomnia Edition 239:
1. I have the theme of Jeopardy in my head.
2. The Brady Bunch is playing in the background.
3. Considering it’s after 3:30 am, it’s surprising that neither of the dogs or my husband have woken up. This is odd.
4. No cars have passed by loudly in several hours.
5. Considering my home health aide works an overnight shift before coming to my house, I predict that we will be both be ready for sleep when she gets here.
September 13th, 2:30 am
2:30 am Still awake with aching feet and pelvic pain. My ankles hurt, as well as my legs. The legs are a numbing pain like my feet. Still having issues with breathing when I turn on my side in bed.
September 11th, 2:56 am
I can’t sleep. I’m puking. I have bad gas. My stomach is incredibly upset, and I can’t stop coughing. I took the first dose of Questran tonight, and the gas and upset stomach were the first issues. But non-stop coughing has gone overboard and I just started puking. I haven’t puked in weeks, a record considering how I’ve averaged about twice a week since first getting sick two years ago. I still have to pee, I’ve just been holding it in. My coughing has been much worse today after yesterday being my last day on lasix compared to where I was before I started taking it. At least then, I was coughing because I moved. I’m not moving and I still can’t stop coughing. My breathing was hard today too, especially for my appt with Dr. Hameed and going to the pharmacy. I just don’t see how I can keep taking the Questran, and that was only one dose.
September 10th, 1:23 am
They start out so tragic
The things that I write
Ripping open old wounds
Scars that have never really healed
Always right there in the back of my mind
Too accessible for such a fragile mind
And yet, without long
You remind me
You get inside me
Inside my mind
Inside my heart
My soul and my mind
Reminding me that it’s going
To be all right.
There is nothing in front of me
That proves it to be true
But I believe in you
And know that I can trust you
September 10th, 12:43 am
My head hurts really bad, and has for the last few days. My stomach still hurts, and my acid reflux is acting up. Haven’t taken my pills in days because of my stomach issues. My mind is spinning, and that’s probably because my head isn’t spinning right now. Don’t turn to the left, don’t turn to the left and maybe I won’t be dizzy again. Coughing is still an issue, as well as my breathing difficulties. My butt is numb and the rest of my body is taking turns hurting. Wrist. Fingers. Back. Feet. Pelvis. Can I get a break??
Some people struggle because they no longer want to be part of this world; I struggle because I desperately want to remain in this world. Both are battles. Both are constant. Both are emotionally and physically draining to our souls. I long for the days when I took my youthfulness for granted, when I could run free without having to gasp for air. When I could walk for six miles… why am I crying again? When will it ever end?
Restless. Hopeless. Faithless. Motionless.
And yet… He is still there, urging me on. Always urging me on in the depths of despair I dare not share with anyone else. Who else would be able to handle the weight of my pain, my river of tears?
In this moment, He reminds me I’m not alone. He reminds me that not all is forsaken or without reason. My suffering shall not be in vain. Perhaps you can feel it too, that your suffering isn’t either. I sure hope that’s the case.
September 9th, 7:09 am
“For we live by faith, not by sight.” 2 Corinthians 5:7
September 9th, 3:11 am
Sometimes, trying a new medication is just not worth it.
September 6th, 3:43 am
Me: I love my Lindsey.
My dog: (just looks at me)
Me: Wait, that’s not her name. Wait, what’s her name. Nick, what’s my dog’s name?
Nick: Lani
Me: Oh yeah, Lani. Her name is Lani.
This just happens more and more, short and long-term. Thanks #chemobrain
September 1st, 8:57 am
My vertigo is so bad that I can’t sit upright. When I try to sit and deal with the spinning, my body just falls over. Hmmm…
August 30th, 2:54 pm
“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.”
2 Corinthians 1:3-4
August 25th, 2:51 pm
On my feet today. Slowly but surely.
August 23rd, 2:44 pm
I made it. I got through all three procedures while here at the hospital, and I’m exhausted. Thankfully, my pain is not as bad right now, and hopefully I’ll be able to breathe easier soon enough. I love all your kind words and prayers. I need them. God bless you all.
August 19th, 11:25 pm
My lungs haven’t felt this bad since I first got diagnosed. I’ve been in my bed coughing for about an hour, with no more than a few minutes to breath easily at a time. I have never wanted a procedure I absolutely hate so badly. Please pray this happens this week; my body can’t handle anymore.
August 19th, 4:57 pm
Just got the call. The cancer has NOT gotten worse from what they can tell. My doctor thinks my problem is because of fluid in my lungs, and recommends having them drained. Not a fun procedure at all BUT much better than the cancer being worse. Hallelujah 🙏🏻
August 16th
Woken by a coughing fit after finally falling asleep. 😭😭😭 I begged to have my chest CT scan earlier so I’m having it tomorrow to see if the cancer has gotten worse. Please pray for me.
August 15th
Coughing fits leave me so exhausted. There’s nothing like having one when you’re trying to get dressed. 🙄
August 15th
Guilty pleasure on this low-fat, gallbladder diet?
Chunky peanut butter on a slice of multigrain bread, topped with applesauce.
I use applesauce to take my meds too. I’ve never eaten so much applesauce in my life.
August 14th, 9:23 pm
I still love you. I still trust you.
August 14th, 9:18 pm
I’m still here, on God’s good graces. Never take for granted the time you have here to do good for our sweet Lord.
August 14th
Insomnia Edition 238:
– I need to fire Sleepytime Bear.
– Cars make too much noise when they move.
– The covers make me too hot but without them, I’m too cold.
– Sorry Netflix and PBS… nothing will ever compare to the 1985 Anne of Green Gables with Megan Follows.
– My dog is specially trained to lie down on me precisely where it’s most painful.
August 8th
Only really have hair on half of my head… mostly the left side. Pretty sparse on the top, right side, and right side of the back. But you know what? I’m going to brave the look for my chemo today. #NoScarfDay 👩🏻🦲#ThisIsMyGoodSide 🖐🏻#CancerSucksButImStillHere 🙏🏻
August 8th
Insomnia Edition 237:
– I suddenly smell soap.
– Sephora is more entertaining than Hulu right now.
– My nightlight puts out more light than my iPhone.
– My dog gets better sleep than my husband.
– I can confirm that social media never sleeps.
August 7th, 11:48 am
Recovering well after surgery, and preparing for chemo #41 tomorrow. I’m grateful to still be here despite everything. Thank you Lord. 🙏🏻
August 1st
Pain medicine makes me itch pretty bad, and so getting sleep since surgery has been nearly impossible. Nurse said I’ll have to stick to Tylenol or ibuprofen 😭 for my level 8 pain. So I take 800 mg of ibuprofen, and guess what? It makes me itch worse than the morphine 🙄
July 28th, 11:17 am
May my life shine a light on Jesus.
July 28th, 10:57 am
I pray that I always choose Jesus over this world.
July 28th, 8:34 am
What lies behind the bend ahead?
July 20th, 8:55 am
Today is a new, beautiful day filled with the love and blessings of our Lord Jesus ❤️
July 18th, 3:53 am
Lord, thank you for a good life.
July 18th
Nick’s alarm just went off for the second time… I still haven’t slept. Hmmm… maybe I’ll sleep during chemo.
July 18th
✔️ Watched some tv
✔️ Did some guided meditation
✔️ Listened to soothing piano music
✔️ Still awake
Kristeen Nicole Gillooly 