Being Vulnerable

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I am one of those kinds of people that is not only sensitive but empathic. I shy away from anger and frustration when displayed by others because it is too much stress for my body. My shields at keeping other’s feelings out of my psyche are very poor so I have a hard time with strong feelings. On the other end of the spectrum, I react with love when someone opens their heart wide open for others to see. I am moved by vulnerability and want to bring broken souls to safety. My heart is compassionate, but even with this sometimes I can be easily overwhelmed with too much emotion. It’s the reason that catching up with current events is on the bottom of my list of things to do. Still, despite all of my compassion, I cannot claim it as mine alone. I know that it is Jesus working through me.

We can be angry with God when things don’t go our way. I remember being like that in my early twenties when my mom first stopped talking to me. I gave God ultimatums and told Him to show Himself to me. I was demanding, angry, and closed off from wanting to have a loving relationship with Him. I just wanted my mom back and if He was all powerful, then I would do what I had to do to get her to come back. Little did I know that I was going about it the wrong way.

It would take me another 15 years before I was ready to know God and have a loving relationship with Him. Coincidently, I also didn’t have a loving relationship with my mom during this time. We both made our mistakes, and I have learned a lot now that I am a parent. I approached my mom just as I did God with anger, and she did the same with me. We weren’t vulnerable with each other, opening our hearts and apologizing for the miscommunication and misunderstandings. I didn’t trust that she had my best interests in mind or that she wasn’t trying to hurt me. I’m sure she assumed that I didn’t care about her as well and that she meant nothing to me. Like my mom, I didn’t think God cared about me. I felt like He had left me out of His kingdom. I didn’t trust Him when it came to my misunderstandings and so He became just a nobody in my life. I had to learn how to live life without my mom and accept that she was never going to be part of my life. It was a lot easier for me to accept not having God in my life.

It wasn’t until I was vulnerable that I allowed Jesus to come into my heart. Over the 15 years, I had become a broken form of myself, still smiling but still carrying a hole in my heart. Standing on a street corner on the day I had finally committed to go to church after 10-12 years, I finally understood the sacrifice that Jesus made on the cross. When I made it to church that day, I allowed myself to be vulnerable and just feel, caring nothing for the rest of the world. The tears that escaped me were years and years of pain flowing out of me so that God could replace it with peace. I surrendered for the first time in my life.

I can’t say that my mom magically came back into my life all of a sudden and my life was perfect but opening a door for Jesus to come in my life opened a window for my mom as well. It would take several months and a lot of surrendering. It took having no more expectations about what God’s plan was and saying more than I was sorry. It took a sincere understanding of what it means to be a mother, and the sacrifices one has to make for their children. It took realizing all of the times she loved me unconditionally. Perhaps we should all come to Jesus this way.

Below is the letter I wrote to my mom one year ago today. Perhaps, we all have written a letter like this to Jesus in our hearts. If you haven’t, and you need Jesus in your life, I pray that you will let down your guard and ask for His healing, and accept His unfailing love for you. It’s not too late. It’s never too late…

I failed you. In multiple ways. I lied. I didn’t listen. I didn’t even pay attention. I promised things that I didn’t follow through on. I consistently let you down regardless of the sacrifices you made for me. I put my own needs and feelings first. I simply did not understand.

I am playing stepmom now to a 2-year old and a 13-year old. These are not fun years. If anything, they repeatedly make me stop and think about what you went through with me. These kids don’t listen. They look me in the eye when I tell them not to do something, and they do it anyway. Spitefully. Eagerly. Lord, I pray I wasn’t this terrible. The teenager, Junior, lied to me about doing his homework. He stole my phone to find information about his girlfriend’s mom. He lost my trust instantly. The day he took my phone was the day I was to throw him a surprise birthday party at the skating rink that was going to cost me $200. I didn’t want to do it. I was so angry. We went through with it anyway because his father, Nicholas, didn’t want to let the other kids down. Two days later, Junior told us that the only fun he ever had is at his mom’s house. Talk about feeling rejected and disrespected. This kid is not grateful about anything. I automatically felt like giving up. I don’t want to do anything for this child. How am I supposed to keep forgiving him and keep loving him? How many times did you feel this way about me? How many times did you want to give up on me before you actually did?

I am quick to look at the fact that you are not in my life and want nothing to do with me because it hurts. But I never stopped to think how many times you forgave me, how many times you put on your suit of armor just to get through the day and try to keep loving me despite everything. I get it now, I really do.

I’m sorry. I’m sorry for all of the grief that I caused you. I am sorry for not appreciating you enough, for not understanding how I consistently failed you so many times, in so many situations.

The Lord has taken over my heart, and shown me the error of my ways. I see why I have not been forgiven, and I don’t know that I ever will be. That’s not the point. I don’t know that I have the right to ask you for forgiveness. God will take care of me, and I pray that He will continue to humble me and allow me to make up for those I have let down through service of some kind. I love you, I always have, but I know now that I was not a blessing to my parents as the Bible says I should have been.

I am not perfect. I don’t know if God can turn me into a daughter that would be a blessing to you. I ask nothing of you. I don’t even know if you will read this letter. All I can do right now is repent for the pain I have caused, and hope that God can help you heal from the pain. I am truly sorry.

Sincerely,

Kristeen

 


For more information about Kristeen Nicole Gillooly, her music, and her ministry, please visit http://www.kngmusicministry.com. You can also visit her artist website at http://www.kristeennicolegillooly.com. 

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One Foot At A Time

beach-sand-footprintsfootprints-in-the-sand-graphics-welcome-to-boxfont-ognxmkbeThe music business is tough to break into and finance but at the end of the day, we sometimes have to be romantic and let the music take reign over the business side. One’s heart needs to remain involved in the process so that they are not just putting out shallow albums for a buck. That being said, my faith in Christ and His direction is what guides me through the murky waters so that I do not lose myself. I am not interested in just turning a profit but in turning hearts to Jesus. I don’t know that God has this big plan for me to be somebody in the music business, and that’s okay. I’ve honestly never looked for fame and don’t care to have it. I would, however, like to make sure everyone knows the name of Jesus. I want people to know that in times of stress that His name is the one to call out. I’m okay with using social media, connecting with one person at a time and talking about the Man in my life. I’d settle for poor record sales and new direction for my music if that’s what God wants. All that matters is the hearts that He wants to touch and the best way to reach them. For me, I put one foot in front of me at a time with God leading every way because I have no where to go but where He wants to take me. I don’t know the people He wants to reach, and I don’t even know how to get in touch with them but He knows… He always knows and so no matter where this goes, no matter what happens next week when my debut single comes out, my number one priority will still be sharing the love of Jesus Christ. I am not here just to make music. As I have said before, music is just a tool. Jesus is the carpenter and He’s ready to build a new life for you. God bless you and good night.

 


For more information about Kristeen Nicole Gillooly, her music, and her ministry, please visit http://www.kngmusicministry.com. You can also visit her artist website at http://www.kristeennicolegillooly.com. 

Loving On Animals

CuteAnimals28It is amazing to me to watch an otherwise wild or skittish animal relax over time when I show them affection. Perhaps God called on us to love on animals and not just rule over them. Can you imagine Noah trying to get all of those animals on the ark without first having a relationship with them? Why would they pay any attention to a man unless he had paid attention to them? I don’t think it was just the power of God but the power of love. Animals deserve love too, and they love being loved by us. It’s not just dogs and cats and bunnies. I do think that most animals can be domesticated, and by that I mean willing to let down their guard and allow us to have a relationship with them, to love on them the way God intended. They don’t just want food from us. Animals need time to play and time to love, time to eat and time to rest. We are all God’s creation and that’s a beautiful thing.

 


For more information about Kristeen Nicole Gillooly, her music, and her ministry, please visit http://www.kngmusicministry.com. You can also visit her artist website at http://www.kristeennicolegillooly.com. 

Kristeen Nicole Gillooly to Interview on The Smoking Glass Hour with Baron Glass

The Smoking Glass Hour

Kristeen Gillooly, Christian Music Songwriter Kristeen Nicole Gillooly, Christian Music Songwriter

Kristeen Nicole Gillooly was born and raised in Philadelphia, which is where her soulful sound was grown from. Kristeen has been singing for as long as she can remember and she started writing her own songs at the age of eight. Influenced by the likes of Boyz II Men, Whitney Houston, Madonna, and Mariah Carey; she has always had a fondness for Pop, R & B, and ballads.

Kristeen would go along with a family friend to a church where she began her love for Christian music. She felt out of place, but the sounds that she was hearing caught her attention. Her love for this newfound music influenced her to volunteer in the church on the base after she joined the U.S. Navy. Kristeen would use the time out to sea to write lyrics and use her talents to sing music for her…

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A Special Thank You

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There are no words for the level of gratitude on my heart right now, and the amount of humbleness at what God has done and continues to do in my life. Thank you Jesus for your faithful followers and servants. Thank you for never failing me, and always finding a way to lift me up before I even have a chance to fall. You have my heart, my whole heart and I will spend the rest of my life doing everything I can to help others witness and experience your majesty.

Special thanks to Baron Glass, April Ayala, and Melinda Kay Thomas with the WMAD 24-Hr Global Radio Station and The Smoking Glass Show with Baron Glass for your loving support. God knew what He was doing when we were introduced to each other. I pray that our partnership fulfills the will of God in our mission to lead others to Christ. 

Press Release

pressrelease-imageThe loss of her mom inspired Kristeen to reach others with “Praying For You.”

(PRWEB) September 04, 2014

It started as just a way to deal with the fact that her mom was dying. The penned song, “Praying For You,” by Christian Singer/Songwriter Kristeen Nicole Gillooly, was written just four days before her mom passed away from cancer in late February 2014 but it also marked a turning point in her music. She went home that dreadful day and recorded a raw version of the song and put it on social media where it has been well received by others. Now, six months later, the song is available for pre-order on Amazon, and will be released digitally as her debut single on iTunes and Amazon on October 2nd.

As a fairly new Christian, Kristeen has been exploring her faith through music and encouraging others to do the same across several social platforms like Twitter where she has almost 25,000 followers. Based out of Jacksonville, FL, she got her start when her husband, Nicholas E. Gonzalez, released a YouTube video in May 2013 of her singing a popular Christian song acapella. She now has a total of 13 videos that have been viewed in over 140 countries. Earlier this year, she started an independent record label (KNG Music) and publishing company (Praise First Publishing) to self-release the single, and “Women Making A Difference” WMAD Internet Radio has already picked up the song. Be on the lookout for her EP album to be released next summer.

http://www.prweb.com/releases/kngmusic/09042014/prweb12137023.htm

 


For more information about Kristeen Nicole Gillooly, her music, and her ministry, please visit http://www.kngmusicministry.com. You can also visit her artist website at http://www.kristeennicolegillooly.com.