Lessons in Obedience


It may sound silly to some, but I thank others for being obedient when it comes to following their Christian faith, for following through on the things He specifically asks us to do. I started doing it because a lot of what I have in my life would not exist without others doing their part. But I’m not perfect either. I’ve been disobedient to God on many occasion, even here lately. I’ve been trying to stay on course but keep failing miserably.



Still, He loves me. In the middle of January, Nick suggested I go back to church after meeting a young woman that was in remission. The strange thing is that while I still felt like myself, everyone around me seemed to know I was not going to last much longer. And on some level, I knew that as well and was still looking for hope. I mentioned going to church on Twitter, and even told the world that I set my alarm so I’d go the next day. I’m glad I did.

I had a wonderful and beautiful experience that changed and challenged my outlook on several core things that day. As a matter of fact, that day in church is when things started turning around in terms of my health. It’s almost become known as the day I “woke up” or “my wakening.” But I was only given one instruction from God that day : “go back and listen to the sermon, especially the part I missed when I left the sanctuary because that part applied to me.” 

A few days later, I sat down to listen to the whole sermon. Truth be told, I never got past the worship section of the broadcast. Instead, I found myself speaking a message that came over me, a message I just spoke over the existing music. I recorded it and emailed it to myself so I wouldn’t lose it because it turned into a moving and beautiful message.

I thought I could release it one day like I had my album previously. It spoke of God’s love not being a new story but an old story that needs to be told over and over again so no one is left behind. Still, for all the stress that was being put on me when people noticed a change in me, and the additional stress I was putting myself under, I created an even bigger issue for myself:



THIS realization hit me a week ago, that this is what I should have been working on for the last two months. Not the stuff that happened in church that day or what happened before (although that will come in due time). I was focused on finding out what happened during my memory lapses so I’d know how close I came to dying.

The problem is, once I realized what I should have done, I got stuck trying to figure out how to share it. The podcast was recorded with other people’s music on it, and I knew it would be taken down if I posted it anywhere for copyright reasons. So for the last week, I’ve been trying to figure out how to get this done. More delays, more excuses? Who knows but thankfully the answer fell into my lap this afternoon. 

I have the transcript for the podcast. I wrote it a week after making the recording so I could “clear it” with my pastor. I didn’t want to put out a recording that took place at his church without his permission, especially with his worship team singing in the background.

To finish this and put it to rest, I’m sharing the transcript and  some final notes:


January 19, 2020

Transcript- Page 1

Transcript - Page 2

Transcript - Page 3

Truth be told, everything discussed in the transcript has already been shared verbally on multiple occasions, and used most recently in response to the Coronavirus crisis. Does that mean I was truly disobedient? I don’t even know anymore, and it’s a question that can be answered on another day.

At least there was fruit in the way this has ended; my husband made sure of that.

To Nick, thank you for coming to my sister’s rescue with this care package while she works the front lines. You went above and beyond for our family, and still went out of your way for someone that really needed it even more than us. 

To my sister JenNay, I’m sorry for being selfish and not thinking of you enough while I fought my own demons. You get me and still love me despite my failures. 

And to our loving God, thank you for all that you’ve done for me and my family, and for allowing us to help others that really need assistance. We love you, and are nothing without you.  



I Forgot What This Was Like…

harli-marten-n7a2OJDSZns-unsplash 2

I just got a taste of it, a taste of something I used to have pretty regularly, something I forgot that I still need from time to time.

Silence. Peace. Rest. 

Things can change so quickly sometimes that we forget even the basics. In the middle of this hectic day, with a packed house full of press conferences, barking dogs, and restless children during an extra week of spring break, I was handed a perfect moment with absolutely nothing to fret or get worked up about. Where I could simply relax. How did I manage that?

Everyone just walked away.

I didn’t even have to close my eyes. I took a deep breath, laid my head back on my chair, and that was enough for me.This was a daily occurrence before hospice, before Nick’s job let him start working from home so he could be my full-time caretaker. I was used to having the house to myself and not having to worry about any chaos, save for what I came up with on my own or found on tv. He’s had sometime to get used to the situation; I was too busy just dealing I guess.

Peace is a beautiful thing.

In the months that have passed, Nick has done way more than just be there for me. He’s been more than a loving caretaker, or just a guy that happened to take his wedding vows seriously that day. He has told me many times and showed me in many more that there is no need for me to do anything.

The only thing he wants me to do is relax. He basically doesn’t want me to stress about anything because he has everything handled. Sound familiar?

“Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you.” ‭‭1 Peter‬ ‭5:7‬ ‭KJV‬‬


Photo by Harli Marten on Unsplash

For all my progress…


With all that I’ve accomplished over the last two months, I still get knocked down and feel completely flustered, shaking all over the place because I wasn’t expecting something and got overwhelmed again. I’ve gotten so good at having less and less episodes lately, that they’ve started looking like other people’s normal stress about changing course. It’s amazing the things I’ve had to relearn after coming so close to dying.

I know I need to just keep hanging in there, keep breathing, and trusting God. He’s gotten me this far. This is just a setback… a MINOR AND SILLY setback, but still a setback that makes me look like a basket case with OCD. Lord, please help me get my focus back, and if you can get my hands to stop shaking too, that would be awesome.





Calling Me Home

I started this journey over 2 years ago, and though there have been good times and memorable times, there have also been some miserable too. This last week I spent in the hospital culminated into the worst possible scenario and changed the trajectory of the very course I was on.

I won’t be doing chemo anymore. I’m not doing any more treatments. My oncologist felt that it was worse than the alternative, and could kill me faster. There is something very scary about not doing chemo anymore. I don’t know how much time I have left.

I met with hospice this week. I’ve already met my nurse, and will be seeing her twice a week right now. I’ve met a chaplain that will be here for me. I spent all of these hours with these people, and it feels so wrong. I’m not ready, I’m not ready for this. My family isn’t ready for this.

Lord, I need more time. I love you but I want to be selfish. I want to stay here and have more time with my husband and with my kids. I haven’t been a wife long enough. I haven’t been a mom long enough. I haven’t done everything I’ve wanted to do.

I know this isn’t about me and what I want, but I need a miracle. I desperately need one Lord. Let me have years and years. Please.

It’s Too Soon

How did it go by so quickly?

It’s all passed me by as if in a dream.

I know my head hasn’t been in the sand;

I’ve been living with the fear and the reality since day one.

But it feels so different now…

Worse than when I first got diagnosed.

I can feel the life being pulled out from under me.

It’s too soon.

I’m not ready Lord,

I’m just not ready Lord.

Does that make me a sinner?

Does that make me love you less?

Would you still call me a chosen one

Or am I just as bad as everyone else?

I’m so ashamed.

Did I do enough?

Will I ever be enough?

Dear and faithful servant?

It feels like the journey ends here.

Lord, will you fight for me? Will you turn stones to save my life? Will you help me through this? Why do you need me so soon? You gave me a beautiful husband and kids late in life. I haven’t had enough time with them. Please. I gave you everything, everything that I had, a change so radical from my old ways. Please, let that be enough. I can’t do this to my husband, to my kids. To my dad… he still hasn’t forgiven you for taking my mom. I really thought you took her so that he would get saved and he’s not even talking to me. My brothers, my sister, the rest of my family… we need you to pull through for us. Please. I’m not ready Lord, I’m just not ready. It’s too soon.

To Eat Or Not To Eat

I’ve been having a lot of stomach issues since I had my gallbladder taken out on July 31st. Three weeks after my surgery, I wound up in the hospital with abdominal pain and black stools. My scans at the time showed a moderate amount of fluid in my abdominal cavity, not something completely unheard of considering my recent surgery. I was honestly more concerned with my colon at the time because the wall was thicker than normal, and they were not able to complete a colonoscopy because my colon is considered tortuous.

Every follow-up with my gastroenterologist has had me wondering when I’ll be able to do a repeat colonoscopy, but as the months have passed, the focus has definitely changed. I’m not sure if doing another colonoscopy is even on the table anymore. My colon is the least of my concerns now.

I shared my struggles with stomach pain on my private Facebook account a few days ago…

My stomach always hurts. It hurts when I don’t eat and hurts after I do. It hurts after I drink fluids, and hurts right up until the moment I throw everything up. Then it really cramps while I’m throwing up, and hurts some more when I’m done. At this point, it feels like I’m eating just so I have something to throw up later. Cancer sucks. By the way, I already have a gastroenterologist and oncologist well aware of what’s going on, and trying to help me since this all started with the gallbladder surgery months ago. And yes, I’m still in a lot of pain after the 1100cc of fluid they took out of my abdomen last week.”

Well, today I got the results back for the fluid analysis for my parathentesis. My oncologist said that the fluid was not cancerous but made it known that the fluid was there because of my cancer. Basically, he is saying that he is pretty sure the cancer has spread to the lining of my stomach or intestines. This would be called peritoneal carcinomatosis. If it’s true, it would explain all of the pain that I have been in. It would explain everything I’ve had to deal with the last several months.

So where does this leave me now? Let’s see… It’s bad enough the chemo stopped working. It’s bad enough that my lungs have gotten worse, and that the liver lesion that was almost gone is bigger now than it ever was. But now the cancer is in yet another place. I don’t think I can take much more right now.

Lord, I have been faithful. I have leaned on you for strength. I have been positive and held my head high through most of this. But my heart is heavy. My head is overwhelmed, and my soul is weary. So many of the things I’ve found joy in these last two years despite everything… I feel like they have been ripped from me. I feel like so much has been taken from me. I wasn’t suffering so much before. Now, I spend most of my days in my bed, looking for any kind of comfort I can get. I need you, I need the kind of comfort only you can give me. I need answers and I need healing. I don’t want days I’m lucky to be here to be shadowed by suffering. Let me find joy in loving you again. Let me find joy in serving you again. In Jesus name. Amen.

In Spite of Everything

I got some news today;
It wasn’t good in any way
But still I found a way to say,
“I love you, I love you, I love you.”
I keep holding on for more,
For life to not feel like such a chore.
Only you have the power to restore;
“Yeah, I love you, I love you, I love you.”
It may sound strange but I don’t know how to keep going on;
This life I’m living feels robbed and withdrawn.
I know that you own it,
I know you control it,
And I know that I’m not just a pawn.
But still I need some peace for the times
When life is going wrong.
There will always be more bad days;
I just pray they don’t destroy my praise,
Or the strength I find in church Sunday’s,
If only to go and say, “I love you.”

I Should Be Happy

It came and went,

That special day…

The reminder of

Everything I’ve been through

In the last two years.

How do you celebrate?

How do you celebrate life

When it could have easily been death?

It’s not my birthday

But instead a milestone.

I should be happy;

I feel like people think

I should be happy.

To be honest, I don’t

Know how to feel.

Sure, I’m grateful but

I’m also desperate to keep going

And I don’t know if this just means

I’m closer to the mark,

You know, the end of it all.

Am I closer to healing

Or closer to Heaven?

This is something I may never know.

Statistics say time is running out

But what does God say?

Lord, hear my prayer.

A Day In The Life Of…

September 13th, 3:38 am

Insomnia Edition 239:

1. I have the theme of Jeopardy in my head.

2. The Brady Bunch is playing in the background.

3. Considering it’s after 3:30 am, it’s surprising that neither of the dogs or my husband have woken up. This is odd.

4. No cars have passed by loudly in several hours.

5. Considering my home health aide works an overnight shift before coming to my house, I predict that we will be both be ready for sleep when she gets here.

September 13th, 2:30 am

2:30 am Still awake with aching feet and pelvic pain. My ankles hurt, as well as my legs. The legs are a numbing pain like my feet. Still having issues with breathing when I turn on my side in bed.

September 11th, 2:56 am

I can’t sleep. I’m puking. I have bad gas. My stomach is incredibly upset, and I can’t stop coughing. I took the first dose of Questran tonight, and the gas and upset stomach were the first issues. But non-stop coughing has gone overboard and I just started puking. I haven’t puked in weeks, a record considering how I’ve averaged about twice a week since first getting sick two years ago. I still have to pee, I’ve just been holding it in. My coughing has been much worse today after yesterday being my last day on lasix compared to where I was before I started taking it. At least then, I was coughing because I moved. I’m not moving and I still can’t stop coughing. My breathing was hard today too, especially for my appt with Dr. Hameed and going to the pharmacy. I just don’t see how I can keep taking the Questran, and that was only one dose.

September 10th, 1:23 am

They start out so tragic

The things that I write

Ripping open old wounds

Scars that have never really healed

Always right there in the back of my mind

Too accessible for such a fragile mind

And yet, without long

You remind me

You get inside me

Inside my mind

Inside my heart

My soul and my mind

Reminding me that it’s going

To be all right.

There is nothing in front of me

That proves it to be true

But I believe in you

And know that I can trust you

September 10th, 12:43 am

My head hurts really bad, and has for the last few days. My stomach still hurts, and my acid reflux is acting up. Haven’t taken my pills in days because of my stomach issues. My mind is spinning, and that’s probably because my head isn’t spinning right now. Don’t turn to the left, don’t turn to the left and maybe I won’t be dizzy again. Coughing is still an issue, as well as my breathing difficulties. My butt is numb and the rest of my body is taking turns hurting. Wrist. Fingers. Back. Feet. Pelvis. Can I get a break??

Some people struggle because they no longer want to be part of this world; I struggle because I desperately want to remain in this world. Both are battles. Both are constant. Both are emotionally and physically draining to our souls. I long for the days when I took my youthfulness for granted, when I could run free without having to gasp for air. When I could walk for six miles… why am I crying again? When will it ever end? 

Restless. Hopeless. Faithless. Motionless. 
And yet… He is still there, urging me on. Always urging me on in the depths of despair I dare not share with anyone else. Who else would be able to handle the weight of my pain, my river of tears? 
In this moment, He reminds me I’m not alone. He reminds me that not all is forsaken or without reason. My suffering shall not be in vain. Perhaps you can feel it too, that your suffering isn’t either. I sure hope that’s the case. 

September 9th, 7:09 am

“For we live by faith, not by sight.” 2 Corinthians 5:7

September 9th, 3:11 am

Sometimes, trying a new medication is just not worth it.

September 6th, 3:43 am

Me: I love my Lindsey.

My dog: (just looks at me)

Me: Wait, that’s not her name. Wait, what’s her name. Nick, what’s my dog’s name?

Nick: Lani

Me: Oh yeah, Lani. Her name is Lani.

This just happens more and more, short and long-term. Thanks #chemobrain

September 1st, 8:57 am

My vertigo is so bad that I can’t sit upright. When I try to sit and deal with the spinning, my body just falls over. Hmmm…

August 30th, 2:54 pm

“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.”

2 Corinthians 1:3-4

August 25th, 2:51 pm

On my feet today. Slowly but surely.

August 23rd, 2:44 pm

‪I made it. I got through all three procedures while here at the hospital, and I’m exhausted. Thankfully, my pain is not as bad right now, and hopefully I’ll be able to breathe easier soon enough. I love all your kind words and prayers. I need them. God bless you all. ‬

August 19th, 11:25 pm

My lungs haven’t felt this bad since I first got diagnosed. I’ve been in my bed coughing for about an hour, with no more than a few minutes to breath easily at a time. I have never wanted a procedure I absolutely hate so badly. Please pray this happens this week; my body can’t handle anymore.

August 19th, 4:57 pm

Just got the call. The cancer has NOT gotten worse from what they can tell. My doctor thinks my problem is because of fluid in my lungs, and recommends having them drained. Not a fun procedure at all BUT much better than the cancer being worse. Hallelujah 🙏🏻

August 16th

Woken by a coughing fit after finally falling asleep. 😭😭😭 I begged to have my chest CT scan earlier so I’m having it tomorrow to see if the cancer has gotten worse. Please pray for me.

August 15th

Coughing fits leave me so exhausted. There’s nothing like having one when you’re trying to get dressed. 🙄

August 15th

Guilty pleasure on this low-fat, gallbladder diet?

Chunky peanut butter on a slice of multigrain bread, topped with applesauce.

I use applesauce to take my meds too. I’ve never eaten so much applesauce in my life.

August 14th, 9:23 pm

I still love you. I still trust you.

August 14th, 9:18 pm

I’m still here, on God’s good graces. Never take for granted the time you have here to do good for our sweet Lord.

August 14th

Insomnia Edition 238:

– I need to fire Sleepytime Bear.

– Cars make too much noise when they move.

– The covers make me too hot but without them, I’m too cold.

– Sorry Netflix and PBS… nothing will ever compare to the 1985 Anne of Green Gables with Megan Follows.

– My dog is specially trained to lie down on me precisely where it’s most painful.

August 8th

‪Only really have hair on half of my head… mostly the left side. Pretty sparse on the top, right side, and right side of the back. But you know what? I’m going to brave the look for my chemo today. #NoScarfDay 👩🏻‍🦲#ThisIsMyGoodSide 🖐🏻#CancerSucksButImStillHere 🙏🏻‬

August 8th

Insomnia Edition 237:

– I suddenly smell soap.

– Sephora is more entertaining than Hulu right now.

– My nightlight puts out more light than my iPhone.

– My dog gets better sleep than my husband.

– I can confirm that social media never sleeps.

August 7th, 11:48 am

Recovering well after surgery, and preparing for chemo #41 tomorrow. I’m grateful to still be here despite everything. Thank you Lord. 🙏🏻

August 1st

Pain medicine makes me itch pretty bad, and so getting sleep since surgery has been nearly impossible. Nurse said I’ll have to stick to Tylenol or ibuprofen 😭 for my level 8 pain. So I take 800 mg of ibuprofen, and guess what? It makes me itch worse than the morphine 🙄

July 28th, 11:17 am

May my life shine a light on Jesus.

July 28th, 10:57 am

‪I pray that I always choose Jesus over this world. ‬

July 28th, 8:34 am

What lies behind the bend ahead?

July 20th, 8:55 am

‪Today is a new, beautiful day filled with the love and blessings of our Lord Jesus ❤️‬

July 18th, 3:53 am

Lord, thank you for a good life.

July 18th

Nick’s alarm just went off for the second time… I still haven’t slept. Hmmm… maybe I’ll sleep during chemo.

July 18th

✔️ Watched some tv

✔️ Did some guided meditation

✔️ Listened to soothing piano music

✔️ Still awake