I Forgot What This Was Like…

I just got a taste of it, a taste of something I used to have pretty regularly, something I forgot that I still need from time to time.

Silence. Peace. Rest. 

Things can change so quickly sometimes that we forget even the basics. In the middle of this hectic day, with a packed house full of press conferences, barking dogs, and restless children during an extra week of spring break, I was handed a perfect moment with absolutely nothing to fret or get worked up about. Where I could simply relax. How did I manage that?

Everyone just walked away.

I didn’t even have to close my eyes. I took a deep breath, laid my head back on my chair, and that was enough for me.This was a daily occurrence before hospice, before Nick’s job let him start working from home so he could be my full-time caretaker. I was used to having the house to myself and not having to worry about any chaos, save for what I came up with on my own or found on tv. He’s had sometime to get used to the situation; I was too busy just dealing I guess.

Peace is a beautiful thing.

In the months that have passed, Nick has done way more than just be there for me. He’s been more than a loving caretaker, or just a guy that happened to take his wedding vows seriously that day. He has told me many times and showed me in many more that there is no need for me to do anything.

The only thing he wants me to do is relax. He basically doesn’t want me to stress about anything because he has everything handled. Sound familiar?

“Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you.” ‭‭1 Peter‬ ‭5:7‬ ‭KJV‬‬

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Photo by Harli Marten on Unsplash

It’s Too Soon

How did it go by so quickly?

It’s all passed me by as if in a dream.

I know my head hasn’t been in the sand;

I’ve been living with the fear and the reality since day one.

But it feels so different now…

Worse than when I first got diagnosed.

I can feel the life being pulled out from under me.

It’s too soon.

I’m not ready Lord,

I’m just not ready Lord.

Does that make me a sinner?

Does that make me love you less?

Would you still call me a chosen one

Or am I just as bad as everyone else?

I’m so ashamed.

Did I do enough?

Will I ever be enough?

Dear and faithful servant?

It feels like the journey ends here.

Lord, will you fight for me? Will you turn stones to save my life? Will you help me through this? Why do you need me so soon? You gave me a beautiful husband and kids late in life. I haven’t had enough time with them. Please. I gave you everything, everything that I had, a change so radical from my old ways. Please, let that be enough. I can’t do this to my husband, to my kids. To my dad… he still hasn’t forgiven you for taking my mom. I really thought you took her so that he would get saved and he’s not even talking to me. My brothers, my sister, the rest of my family… we need you to pull through for us. Please. I’m not ready Lord, I’m just not ready. It’s too soon.

In Spite of Everything

I got some news today;

It wasn’t good in any way

But still I found a way to say,

“I love you, I love you, I love you.”

I keep holding on for more,

For life to not feel like such a chore.

Only you have the power to restore;

“Yeah, I love you, I love you, I love you.”

It may sound strange but I don’t know how to keep going on;

This life I’m living feels robbed and withdrawn.

I know that you own it,

I know you control it,

And I know that I’m not just a pawn.

But still I need some peace for the times

When life is going wrong.

There will always be more bad days;

I just pray they don’t destroy my praise,

Or the strength I find in church Sunday’s,

If only to go and say, “I love you.”

A Day In The Life Of…

September 13th, 3:38 am

Insomnia Edition 239:

1. I have the theme of Jeopardy in my head.

2. The Brady Bunch is playing in the background.

3. Considering it’s after 3:30 am, it’s surprising that neither of the dogs or my husband have woken up. This is odd.

4. No cars have passed by loudly in several hours.

5. Considering my home health aide works an overnight shift before coming to my house, I predict that we will be both be ready for sleep when she gets here.

September 13th, 2:30 am

2:30 am Still awake with aching feet and pelvic pain. My ankles hurt, as well as my legs. The legs are a numbing pain like my feet. Still having issues with breathing when I turn on my side in bed.

September 11th, 2:56 am

I can’t sleep. I’m puking. I have bad gas. My stomach is incredibly upset, and I can’t stop coughing. I took the first dose of Questran tonight, and the gas and upset stomach were the first issues. But non-stop coughing has gone overboard and I just started puking. I haven’t puked in weeks, a record considering how I’ve averaged about twice a week since first getting sick two years ago. I still have to pee, I’ve just been holding it in. My coughing has been much worse today after yesterday being my last day on lasix compared to where I was before I started taking it. At least then, I was coughing because I moved. I’m not moving and I still can’t stop coughing. My breathing was hard today too, especially for my appt with Dr. Hameed and going to the pharmacy. I just don’t see how I can keep taking the Questran, and that was only one dose.

September 10th, 1:23 am

They start out so tragic

The things that I write

Ripping open old wounds

Scars that have never really healed

Always right there in the back of my mind

Too accessible for such a fragile mind

And yet, without long

You remind me

You get inside me

Inside my mind

Inside my heart

My soul and my mind

Reminding me that it’s going

To be all right.

There is nothing in front of me

That proves it to be true

But I believe in you

And know that I can trust you

September 10th, 12:43 am

My head hurts really bad, and has for the last few days. My stomach still hurts, and my acid reflux is acting up. Haven’t taken my pills in days because of my stomach issues. My mind is spinning, and that’s probably because my head isn’t spinning right now. Don’t turn to the left, don’t turn to the left and maybe I won’t be dizzy again. Coughing is still an issue, as well as my breathing difficulties. My butt is numb and the rest of my body is taking turns hurting. Wrist. Fingers. Back. Feet. Pelvis. Can I get a break??

Some people struggle because they no longer want to be part of this world; I struggle because I desperately want to remain in this world. Both are battles. Both are constant. Both are emotionally and physically draining to our souls. I long for the days when I took my youthfulness for granted, when I could run free without having to gasp for air. When I could walk for six miles… why am I crying again? When will it ever end? 

Restless. Hopeless. Faithless. Motionless. 

And yet… He is still there, urging me on. Always urging me on in the depths of despair I dare not share with anyone else. Who else would be able to handle the weight of my pain, my river of tears? 

In this moment, He reminds me I’m not alone. He reminds me that not all is forsaken or without reason. My suffering shall not be in vain. Perhaps you can feel it too, that your suffering isn’t either. I sure hope that’s the case. 

September 9th, 7:09 am

“For we live by faith, not by sight.” 2 Corinthians 5:7

September 9th, 3:11 am

Sometimes, trying a new medication is just not worth it.

September 6th, 3:43 am

Me: I love my Lindsey.

My dog: (just looks at me)

Me: Wait, that’s not her name. Wait, what’s her name. Nick, what’s my dog’s name?

Nick: Lani

Me: Oh yeah, Lani. Her name is Lani.

This just happens more and more, short and long-term. Thanks #chemobrain

September 1st, 8:57 am

My vertigo is so bad that I can’t sit upright. When I try to sit and deal with the spinning, my body just falls over. Hmmm…

August 30th, 2:54 pm

“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.”

2 Corinthians 1:3-4

August 25th, 2:51 pm

On my feet today. Slowly but surely.

August 23rd, 2:44 pm

‪I made it. I got through all three procedures while here at the hospital, and I’m exhausted. Thankfully, my pain is not as bad right now, and hopefully I’ll be able to breathe easier soon enough. I love all your kind words and prayers. I need them. God bless you all. ‬

August 19th, 11:25 pm

My lungs haven’t felt this bad since I first got diagnosed. I’ve been in my bed coughing for about an hour, with no more than a few minutes to breath easily at a time. I have never wanted a procedure I absolutely hate so badly. Please pray this happens this week; my body can’t handle anymore.

August 19th, 4:57 pm

Just got the call. The cancer has NOT gotten worse from what they can tell. My doctor thinks my problem is because of fluid in my lungs, and recommends having them drained. Not a fun procedure at all BUT much better than the cancer being worse. Hallelujah 🙏🏻

August 16th

Woken by a coughing fit after finally falling asleep. 😭😭😭 I begged to have my chest CT scan earlier so I’m having it tomorrow to see if the cancer has gotten worse. Please pray for me.

August 15th

Coughing fits leave me so exhausted. There’s nothing like having one when you’re trying to get dressed. 🙄

August 15th

Guilty pleasure on this low-fat, gallbladder diet?

Chunky peanut butter on a slice of multigrain bread, topped with applesauce.

I use applesauce to take my meds too. I’ve never eaten so much applesauce in my life.

August 14th, 9:23 pm

I still love you. I still trust you.

August 14th, 9:18 pm

I’m still here, on God’s good graces. Never take for granted the time you have here to do good for our sweet Lord.

August 14th

Insomnia Edition 238:

– I need to fire Sleepytime Bear.

– Cars make too much noise when they move.

– The covers make me too hot but without them, I’m too cold.

– Sorry Netflix and PBS… nothing will ever compare to the 1985 Anne of Green Gables with Megan Follows.

– My dog is specially trained to lie down on me precisely where it’s most painful.

August 8th

‪Only really have hair on half of my head… mostly the left side. Pretty sparse on the top, right side, and right side of the back. But you know what? I’m going to brave the look for my chemo today. #NoScarfDay 👩🏻‍🦲#ThisIsMyGoodSide 🖐🏻#CancerSucksButImStillHere 🙏🏻‬

August 8th

Insomnia Edition 237:

– I suddenly smell soap.

– Sephora is more entertaining than Hulu right now.

– My nightlight puts out more light than my iPhone.

– My dog gets better sleep than my husband.

– I can confirm that social media never sleeps.

August 7th, 11:48 am

Recovering well after surgery, and preparing for chemo #41 tomorrow. I’m grateful to still be here despite everything. Thank you Lord. 🙏🏻

August 1st

Pain medicine makes me itch pretty bad, and so getting sleep since surgery has been nearly impossible. Nurse said I’ll have to stick to Tylenol or ibuprofen 😭 for my level 8 pain. So I take 800 mg of ibuprofen, and guess what? It makes me itch worse than the morphine 🙄

July 28th, 11:17 am

May my life shine a light on Jesus.

July 28th, 10:57 am

‪I pray that I always choose Jesus over this world. ‬

July 28th, 8:34 am

What lies behind the bend ahead?

July 20th, 8:55 am

‪Today is a new, beautiful day filled with the love and blessings of our Lord Jesus ❤️‬

July 18th, 3:53 am

Lord, thank you for a good life.

July 18th

Nick’s alarm just went off for the second time… I still haven’t slept. Hmmm… maybe I’ll sleep during chemo.

July 18th

✔️ Watched some tv

✔️ Did some guided meditation

✔️ Listened to soothing piano music

✔️ Still awake

My Very Heartbeat

I am a sinner.

I don’t deserve this life.

I could be dead, but I am breathing.

I am alive because someone else took my place. Jesus is my Savior, and I love Him with all my heart.

I have been humbled by my cancer.

I have been reminded that life is precious, that life is given and taken away by God Himself. There is a great respect that comes with finally accepting the reality of that fact.

Use me, Lord. Allow me to be productive with this day that you have given me, this opportunity to give you the glory for all that You are and all that You have done.

Oh Lord, I love you like no other.

I love you more than my very heartbeat.

“I found the one my heart loves.” Song of Solomon 3:4

What Shingles Looks Like

My husband, Nick, mentioned that I forgot to add something to my last post. Pictures. You know, of what shingles looks like. Oops.

For those interested, here you go. This is how it looks when the rash first starts…

 

It wrapped around my right side between my breasts to the middle of my back. It’s right under my bra line so wearing bras is completely out of the question until I’m healed.

 

 

Of course, it’s gotten much worse. This is what it looks like when the blisters start bursting.

 

I pray none of you have to deal with this, but even more, I pray that you know Jesus like I do. That you put your whole heart and your whole body at His feet. He truly can bring a peace that you will never quite understand.

May peace be with you.

Peace Can Only Come From Jesus

I’ve been quiet lately. There’s always a reason.

I spend so much time just trying to be okay. Just trying to feel okay. You can’t really make your body feel better though even with the pain medicine and other things meant to help you feel better, to help you get through the day. Medicine is just not enough.

My battle lately? Shingles. Starts as a rash and then turns into a ton of blisters that burst and then crust over. It is extremely painful, stressful, and takes weeks to recover. You can learn more about it here. I had it for a good week before we knew what it was.

To make matters worse, I can’t have chemo while recovering from shingles. And with a fast moving cancer, I can feel the difference when I don’t have treatment for a week or two. I’m coughing a lot more which makes mobility difficult. Coughing more means throwing up more. I sat in the car yesterday puking after being stationary for a good thirty minutes. It’s not just moving that causes me to puke more. Needless to say, I am really hoping I am cleared to have chemo next Thursday when I see my doctor again.

But here’s the thing… in the midst of all this suffering, I have peace and am virtually pain free. I can’t explain it. I walked in the doctor’s office last Monday with level 8 pain, barely being able to move without screaming on the inside. I left with pain killers that only toned it down to a level 6-7. So how did I go from that level of pain, to virtually no pain the next day? To the point that I stopped taking pain medicine way too early. The blisters started bursting days later, and yet still no pain.

You have to understand the amount of stress, sorrow, and shock I was under when I found out I had shingles. That I couldn’t get the chemo I desperately need. I went to bed early. My husband went to bed early. It was just all too much for all of us. So what was the turning point?

I prayed that night, and something changed. I wrote that poem and just felt a great release. I felt at peace. That was at 2 o’clock in the morning, and I woke up pain-free. During this whole trial from the beginning of 2017 to now, I haven’t quite felt this level of peace since first getting diagnosed with cancer. It’s also the first time that I have been virtually pain free in an area that doesn’t make sense.

On my own, I can’t do anything. I can’t take away my own pain and I can’t take away my own stress. I just don’t have the power BUT I know the one that does. Peace can only come from Jesus.

“Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.” 1 Peter 5:7

“The LORD gives strength to his people; the LORD blesses his people with peace.” Psalm 29:11

“Now may the Lord of peace himself give you peace at all times and in every way. The Lord be with all of you.” 2 Thessalonians 3:16. 

Fallen State

I stand and then fall;

On my own, I have nothing.

I am nothing.

I fall and then stand;

With you, I have everything.

You are my everything.

I’m not afraid to fall.

I’m not afraid to suffer.

Surrendered at Your feet is

The only way to truly live.

Tiptoe

Even when you’re going through it,

You’re not going through it;

You’re tiptoeing around,

Careful not to step on

Your own thoughts, your own feelings. 

You don’t really want to talk about it;

You don’t really want to write about it.

You only want to think about, write about 

Nothing at all.

The nothingness that stares you in the face,

The nothingness that will never be nothing again,

The life that will never be the same.