The Need For Rest Will Just Have To Do For Now

The last time I was sick on Christmas was five years ago… before my life was drastically altered after meeting my husband and embracing the Christian faith wholeheartedly for the first time. I had traveled to Colorado via Greyhound to spend the holiday with my best friend and her kids. Taking the bus was a great way to get out of the city to venture the beaten path with my camera after the end of a six-year relationship I never should have been in, and the end of a disillusionment for an affair that would never be more than a roll in the hay. 

Yeah, I’d had better days and the opportunity to run away from home was enchanting. The road to freedom was a little more traveled than I wanted it to be though; it took three days to get to Colorado and five to get home. I remember getting stuck in the Dallas bus station for a day and a half while a snowstorm wrecked havoc just north of us. I was still trying to get to Colorado, and I was completely at the mercy of a storm I couldn’t even see. It wasn’t snowing in Dallas where I was, but all around me it was coming down so heavy that travel all the way up to Denver was at a halt. I just wanted to get where I was going, and I wanted answers. There was no way out and nowhere to feel safe. 

I think it took a good 12 hours before they finally brought a bus out for us weary-eyed travelers to sleep on. I was so thankful… all I wanted was answers and rest, but I would settle at the moment for just some rest. It’s how I’m feeling again after all these years.

Cancer has a way of eating away at your soul… if you’ll let it. Sometimes I do, I won’t lie. Sometimes, I give in and let the cancer take a bite or two out of me. Sometimes it takes a few days, weeks, or months for me to wake up out of the chokehold-slumber that cancer is and stumble again onto my faith. On Christmas Day, it was just a reminder staring back at me that reads “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” Yesterday, it was a complete meltdown on the living room sofa where I begged God to help me over and over again. Today, it might look like something completely different but I’m not giving up. 

The answers may come another day but for today, I’m going to take the rest that comes with knowing Him. 

Advertisements

Tiptoe


Even when you’re going through it,

You’re not going through it;

You’re tiptoeing around,

Careful not to step on

Your own thoughts, your own feelings. 

You don’t really want to talk about it;

You don’t really want to write about it.

You only want to think about, write about 

Nothing at all.

The nothingness that stares you in the face,

The nothingness that will never be nothing again,

The life that will never be the same.

Putting The Thorn Before The Flower

As I sit here, I lay in a hospital bed. Alone. It’s 9pm on a Tuesday night, and my husband has to wake up early to get the kids to school. 

There are a myriad of emotions I’m experiencing right now. Lonely. Helpless. Emotionally drained and overwhelmed at the same time. I’m still in shock about how I have gotten to this point. If you read my last post, you will remember I was fearless then. That was before I met with the pulmonologist. 

I haven’t gotten any better. This is the stress I have been dealing with, the pain that has caused me to cry so much in the last week. But in the end, the consistent inability to breathe is what landed me in the emergency room. For months I’ve been wondering at what point someone would hospitalize me. After not being able to catch my breath for an hour and a half on Sunday, I made the decision myself. I asked my mother in law to drop me off at the hospital instead of church. I was admitted almost immediately. 

They have done extensive blood work and a bronchoscopy. I’m hoping to have the results tomorrow but so far I know there are no tumors and no blockages. That’s a good sign. I’ve been on fluids and two IV antibiotics since I got here, and everyone is taking my case very seriously. There is comfort in that. 

I’m a little less fearful and a lot more hopeful now thankfully. My husband came back from Miami yesterday where he had been helping with the hurricane relief. He surprised me outside my room when I got out of recovery from the bronchoscopy. I was so happy to see him, I cried out. Well, my hip was still hurting because the morphine hadn’t kicked in yet so that could have been part of it. 

He stayed with me quite awhile last night which I was thankful for, and then he switched off with my mother in law who stayed with me all night. I cannot explain the gratitude and comfort that comes from knowing someone is right next to you during an unexpected hospital stay, when you feel at your absolute worst. She had to go drive back home to SC today but my last words to her as she left this morning were “I’ll never forget.”

So where does this leave me now? Back to where I was when all of this started. When I first got sick, during every coughing spell, at each moment I threw up, at every moment I cried out in pain… there was only one left standing. Jesus. 

This is not to say that He is my last resort. When my family is here, of course I will make time to spend with my family. But I need my time with Him too. I was reading the Bible earlier and a food attendant came in whose name actually comes from the Bible. Elon. It means strong, like an oak tree. 

I had a great conversation with the the attendant, and I have a gift for her when I see her again tomorrow. I’m having encounters here at the hospital I would otherwise never have. Maybe this is about more than just me being sick. I believe God can use me anywhere, and I believe that He will. 

But right now… I’m going to turn my attention back to Him. I’m going to thank Him for the umpteenth time since I’ve been here, and delight in the grace He has bestowed upon me. 

I have learned to live with the thorn, and although it hurts, it has brought me closer to God than any flower ever could. Think about that for a minute. Would you trade in your flower for a thorn to get closer to God? 

Most will never do so willingly but He gives us all opportunities to know Him more intimately. I never asked to be so sick but I am grateful for the truths I could only know by allowing Him to walk with me on this journey. Only by succumbing to weakness could God’s strength and glory rise up in me when I had absolutely nothing left. 

I know I’m not really alone. I know He’s with me. He’s been with me all along. 

“Because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, for this reason, to keep me from exalting myself, there was given me a thorn in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to torment me– to keep me from exalting myself! Concerning this I implored the Lord three times that it might leave me. And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me.” 2 Corinthians 7-9 

There Will Come A Day 


I’ve always had a heart for those that are suffering, those that are willing to be vulnerable and share their pain. I’ve been with you on this path, sharing what I can. We cannot carry it ourselves, our shoulders are not strong enough. We need Jesus. We need fellowship with others that are carrying their own cross.

We are all on a journey with Him, bearing our wounds to the best of our ability without complaining too much. Forgiving those that persecute us, and carrying on like we aren’t broken. But it takes its toll. Even Jesus screamed out about being forsaken.

There will come a day when we are no longer in pain, and it will be a joyous day. Until then, I just want to get as close as possible to His robes and hold on tightly with all the faith and love in my heart, waiting for my healing to come.

“Just then a woman who had been subject to bleeding for twelve years came up behind him and touched the edge of his cloak. She said to herself, “If I only touch his cloak, I will be healed.” Jesus turned and saw her. “Take heart, daughter,” he said, “your faith has healed you.” And the woman was healed at that moment.” Matthew 9:20-22

It’s Not Just Pain


Lord, I need you every day as I fight each and every aspect that comes with being in pain all the time. I need you, and many more need you, many more that are enduring the same tortures that I am. Lord, be with us in the worst moments, and when we are in such pain that we cannot speak, please let our tears be our cry to you. In Jesus name I pray. Amen. 

My Own Psalm

Overwhelmed

Nothing’s working

Wasting my time

Cause no one’s looking

They may care

They may not

But no matter what

Only You can decide

So I sit here and cry

Call out your name

Pull away from the stares

Try to look past the pain

Tired and worn

Why must I sit here

Be forced to question

The strength in Your name

I know You’re good

I know Your grace

But I’m falling down

Into an empty space

Spinning, stumbling,

How much longer

Do I have to wait

To escape the thunder?

I need You, Lord

I sit here and pray

Why can’t You just

Rescue me today?

Still Hear The Whisper

It’s 11:30 in the morning, and I’ve already had my share of crying today. I’ve calmed down but I still want to crawl in my bed and just sleep the day away. Oh wait, I have problems with my muscles tightening terribly anytime I try to relax… so sleeping is usually out of pure exhaustion. I wonder how much crying I have to do to get to the point of exhaustion.

Honestly, what I really want is to just stop hurting. And to be heard. To have a doctor genuinely care and want to help me. Not just any doctor. You know, the kind that is supposed to help you. I just had another bad experience from a doctor that really has no interest in helping me, and this is coming from a rheumatologist. If he can’t help me, who can?

Even when I’m at my worst, I can hear the whisper from God. It’s easy to rely on a doctor to help me but they have an inadvertent way of reminding me that only God can.

Perseverance Under Trial

The-Power-of-Persistence-Perseverance-and-Tenacity-for-the-Entrepreneur

So I figured out what’s going on with me. Went to see a rheumatologist on Friday, and was told that that I have fibromyalgia. Something I have considered for months when looking at my symptoms, but I can’t say I find comfort in my diagnosis. My head is still hurting, day 95 now. I wonder now if it will ever go away. My body hurts, and it’s something I’m going to have to deal with for a long time. Maybe forever. I kind of don’t know how to deal with any of this. I’m still kind of numb and still kind of in shock. What’s going to happen to me?

This last week produced the most pain I have ever experienced.

Keep in mind this is coming from someone that has passed two kidney stones at the same time. Why you ask? Because the pain medicine actually works with kidney stones, and you’re able to sleep through the pain. Not so with FMS. Nothing I have taken in the last three months has helped with my pain. I can’t remember the last time I slept through the night and woke up feeling refreshed. While my body has calmed down some, I’m still walking with a limp, my hands keep cramping from typing, and there are a host of other symptoms I have to deal with now like cognitive issues. I have to type more now because I keep typing the wrong letters and the wrong words. I try to speak, but I often say the wrong words and the wrong names. I’m having problems thinking and remembering something said to me five minutes ago.

I’m learning that I have to slow down… a lot!

But I also need to listen to what my body is telling me. I tried to clean the bathroom the other day, and the repetitive motion of scrubbing the bathtub and shower walls left me so winded that I found myself laid out on the tub edge trying to breathe. I hadn’t even finished yet! Once I finally forced myself to take a break, it took 25 minutes for me to recover. Another day it was a simple task like putting sheets on a bed that quickly caused me to sit down out of breath. Perseverance is a good thing, but like my youth pastor’s wife said, I need to learn how to persevere in a different manner. There are a couple of ways I’m interpreting that.

The bible says to “be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer (Romans 12:12). Sure, this condition will present challenges for me, but I know that Jesus is with me through the ups and downs.

My faith has an incredible opportunity to persevere…

…not just through my trials but because of them. James 1:12 tells us “blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him.”

My work is not done. God still plans on using me, this I know. And I know that He will continue to be with me on this journey no matter what comes my way.

The Need to Stay Focused

cross-out-of-focus-c2a9-2014-simon-peter-sutherland

It is the third month, tenth week, sixty-fifth day, and one thousand, fifteen hundredth and thirty-second hour.

I’m still waiting for my healing. 

God doesn’t respond to our wants and desires the way that we wish He did. He doesn’t sit around granting wishes like a fairy-godmother, nor does He have any desire to. He has His own plan for our lives, and not knowing what that plan is can drive each of us nuts as we try to wait patiently.

We are not a patient people.

We want when we want, and suffer while waiting. If we weren’t suffering, we probably would not be calling out to God for help. Honestly, that is most of us. Even for Christ followers like me. We can love Him and thank Him for all that we have, but let us have to wait for our suffering to end, and we can quickly fall apart. So we reach out to Him, and sometimes that leaves us feeling even worse.

When we need Jesus the most, He can feel so far away. 

Why is that? Is it because we are not truly focused on Him but on what we can get from Him? Is it because we are not saying thank you for what is going good in our lives? I don’t have all the answers but in my experience, I start to feel Him again when I move past myself in prayer and the challenges I face in life.

When we resolve to move forward despite our pain, God shows up in a mighty way. 

I’ll admit that as the days go by, it is hard to stay focused. There are moments when I am wrapped up in the pain, and then there are breakthroughs when I allow myself to be wrapped in Him. We have a choice in every month, week, day, and hour. What will you choose to focus on today? What will you choose to focus on right now, this very minute?

There are plenty of opportunities to sit in our suffering, but we still have a job to do.

We still have work to do for the Kingdom. So as we drag ourselves out of bed for work despite the headaches, heartaches, self-defeating thoughts, etc., let’s remember to give Jesus our focus too. Let’s reset our faith and give Him the opportunity to work in our lives and lend us His strength.

It is amazing what God can do through broken people. 

Applicable Bible Verses:

  • “Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth.” Colossians 3:2
  • “For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit set their minds on the things of the Spirit.” Romans 8:5
  • “I can do all things through him who strengthens me.” Philippians 4:13